What sexy is...

In addition to my normal job, I am also a licensed and bonded sexologist, with advanced degrees in fornicology and communications. Sexual communications.

Do you know what sexy is? I do, and I will share them with you now.

*Sexy is giving your partner a deep, passionate kiss

*Unsexy is giving your partner a deep, passionate kiss.. on their nose.

*Sexy is lighting scented candles around the room and scattering rose petals on the sheets.

*Unsexy is lighting novelty fart scented candles and scattering rose stems on the sheets.

*Sexy is putting a little bit of your favorite romantic music on softly to set the mood

*Unsexy is if your favorite romantic music is a German death metal band.

*Sexy is having your partner dress up in revealing lingerie

*Unsexy is dressing up in your partner's revealing lingerie, then surprising them when they come home

*Sexy is role-playing: doctor and nurse, for example

*Unsexy is role-playing Borg and Klingon

*Sexy is tying your partner to the bedposts with satin for a little unconventional fun

*Unsexy is forgetting about them and coming back a week later.

*Sexy is gently caressing your partner's skin with your hands

*Unsexy is making a "beep" noise while squeezing their boobs.

*Sexy is talking dirty while you make love

*Unsexy is talking like a pirate while you make love

*Sexy is her bringing her best friend into bed with you...who is a fashion model.

*Unsexy is her bringing her best friend into bed with you...who is a truck driver.

*Sexy is her telling you her fantasies.

*Unsexy is you telling her your fantasies that involve rope, wall hooks and lots of mayonaisse.

*Sexy is fulfilling the other person's every desire

*Unsexy is asking "Where do I put it?" for the third time.

Now that you know the rules, go forth and...uh...be sexy.

Mahd's Guide to the World, Part 8: Central/South Asia

Today we go west, all the way to the center of Asia. While this may seem pretty close to East Asia, keep in mind that the continent is very, very big.

Myanmar

Myanmar is ruled by a military junta. I think the progression of dictatorial rule goes Dictator-for-life -> Despot -> Evil Council -> "President" -> Junta; so these guys are pretty bad. This country used to be part of Burma as it was called under the rule of the British, but split off like everyone did after WW2. The leaders of the nation decided to make a plan for bringing their country prosperity and joy. But it was easier to grow heroin, so they did that instead. Of course, the ruling junta isn't so bad: in 1989 they promised free elections. Of course, when the elections went against them, they forbid the winners to take office and crushed the rebellion. But when you're a junta, it's kind of expected.

India

The big boy of South Asia, India is the world's largest democracy, a fact that they trumpet proudly at every opportunity. It's also the world's smelliest, most-disease ridden, caste-bedeviled democracy, but you never hear them say that. In spite of this, India has a beautiful and mystical culture, and you can't find a decent burger anywhere. India has it's problems, from the Kashmir dispute with Pakistan to the ever-present caste system, where, if you have to ask what caste you're in, you're probably in the lowest one (harijan). That's not to say the caste system is a bad thing- after all, what possible downside could there be in belonging to the one that is known as the "Untouchables"? Well, it can all be remedied in your next life...

Bhutan

Bhutan is a tiny country wedged between India and China, and has seemingly ignored the passage of time. A king rules the country, and slavery was only abolished in 1958. Fortunately, the king is a benevolent person, and his court were all atwitter about merchants bringing in television and other electronic goods on the back of camels. Of course, there's only one TV station, and all it shows are reruns of Mork and Mindy.

Bangladesh

Bangladesh, or Bengal as it was once called, was a thriving, growing culture where art and literature flourished, where Hinduism and Buddhism both grew, but were eventually ovecome by Islam. Then the Europeans came. As usual and mangled things. After independence and a war or two, Bangladesh was born.
Today, Bangladesh is relatively peaceful, with only a marginal amount of the civil unrest you might expect to see in a third-world nation. The world's largest mangrove belt is here, as are many palaces from the old days. Also, I would expect to see a shit ton of people.

Nepal

I hear the hiking is good here. That may be because the entire nation is situated on top of a mountain range. The country is a democracy, but since it exists in a land with virtually no economy and such a disparate population, it can sometimes be hard to choose between the No-Starvation cantidate and the No-Pestilence cantidate. Worse, Maoist rebels are attempting an insurrection in the country, which means that with all of the explosions, Nepal will go from a mountain nation to a slightly hilly nation in just a few short years.

Pakistan

From here on out, we're going to be referring to the Stans of Asia. From the fossil record we can determine that there was once a great king named Stanley, and so the following nations all remember him fondly by adding his nickname to their country names.

Pakistan is one of the partitions that the British made when they split up India into different parts. The British, in their wisdom, determined that it would be fine to make one country full of people with one religion next to another with a completely different religion. It didn't help that they told the Pakistanis that the Indians slept with their moms, either. Like other Muslim countries, male and female Pakistanis wear a traditional garb that reflects their culture, but it's really just a dress.
Recently, the government was taken over in a bloodless coup by a military man, Pervez Musharraf. He has simultaneously kept tensions with India at a standstill while supporting the everlasting War on Terror. This is also known as "Give me money Americans."
Pakistan has a sweet called barfi. Overlook the name if you can.

Afghanistan

Afghanistan was a nobody. No country really knew where it was, or even really cared. Sure, they had opiates, but those religious Taliban guys were burning those fields down, and also destroying any non-Muslim relics. Then they happened to be caught with the red mark on their hand, and suddenly every 24-hour news channel taught us everything we ever wanted to know about the country. Now, normally learning about different countries is a good thing, but in America when we learn a lot about a foreign country, it usually means that country is going to have the hell bombed out of it. And Afghanistan is no exception.
Today, you can walk down to a cafe in Kabul and have a nice cup of coffee with friends and reminisce about how that bunker buster missile came so close you could feel it. Uh, but don't try it outside of Kabul.

Turkmenistan

Welcome to the moon. This is Turkmenistan, who probably have the crappiest deal of any country except maybe one of the ones in the Sahara. It's an apt description, because eighty percent of the country is inhospitable desert. The remaining twenty percent is very nice, with lots of shrubs lining the roads. At least the ruler is a crazy man who has renamed the months after himself and has banned everyone from taking a breath without swearing allegiance to him. This is a good place to come if filming a post-apocalypse movie: otherwise, give it a miss.

Uzbekistan

Uzbekistan was taken by the Russians in 1875 and has been defiantly pro-Russian ever since. They were all for the Communist revolution and when Communism fell, they were for that too. Well, kind of, since their president is something of an authoritarian dictator. But they're ok with that, too. Mostly, the Uzbeks just want to keep Muslim militants from overthrowing their country, because that would upset the delicate fur hat manufacturing conglomorate that makes up their industry.

Tajikistan

It's hard to say, but in some ways Soviet dominance of some lands is a good thing. The Soviet control of Tajikistan might have been brutal, but at least it was highly bureaucratic and organized. When the USSR went kaput, civil war erputed here among the ethnic groups. Fortunately, today the capital of Dushanbe is as safe as any other in Central Asia, which is to say that you have only a moderate chance of being kidnapped and murdered.

Kyrgystan

These formerly nomadic people have one pasttime, and that is drinking fermented mare's milk. Morning, noon or evening, you'll hardly find a Kyrgystaniophite without an animal skin filled with the disgusting brew. Refusing to drink it with them is an insult worse than if you refused to have intercourse with their horses, which itself is a grave insult. And don't even think about not licking the underside of their tent...

Kazakhstan
Kazakhstan is the largest of the "stan" former Soviet republics, and if you come here, you'll understand why. The entire country seems to have been saved for something special. While this does result in wide open spaces, it also makes you wonder why they haven't exploited their natural resources. The other people wondering this are the many downtrodden individuals who will stalk you as you walk around their cities in capri pants and fedoras. It's at that point you may want to put away your money clip and also hide your fancy camera.

Woman for a day

It's the most bizarre thing, really. I woke up this morning, ready to greet a brand new day with a wink and a smile (and perhaps a jig), and when I hopped out of bed I realized that I didn't have my usual case of morning wood. In fact, there was no wood at all. I made sure to check that it didn't fall off during the night, as it has in the past: in those cases, a bit of super glue and some drywall hangers usually did the trick.

No, the whole package was gone, in fact- replaced by the standard woman's parts down there. Nor indeed had I been oblivious to the fact that I was now sporting two large breasts. I turned left and right and watched them move around in the mirror.

An hour later, I noticed my face had changed as well. Gone was the stubble I went to sleep with. Instead, curly dark hair cascaded down to my shoulders, framing my now-feminine face. So, I had changed into a woman overnight: well, I've heard this sort of thing could happen, particularly if you didn't have enough potassium in your diet and I hadn't had a bananna in over a month. Fortunately, the effects were temporary and would wear off in 24 hours.

Unfortunately, when I called into work sick, they thought I was faking. "That's the worst female voice I've ever heard", the receptionist said. I finally got transferred to my boss and convinced him that I was my wife, and that I was very, very sick and would be in tomorrow. He didn't seem to care, so I hung up the phone, and tried to scratch my crotch, but I realized sadly that I couldn't do it anymore.

I jumped into the shower and turned on the water, and then found out just how sensitive different parts of the female anatomy are. As it warmed up, I happily thought that at least I didn't have to shave, but that myth was dispelled when I looked at my legs. Okay, well, how hard can it be to shave one's legs, I thought.

To her credit, my wife didn't pass out when she found a woman with a dozen bloody cuts on her legs in her shower. She did scream, though, ear-splittingly loud. She finally calmed down when I showed her my wedding ring (which was slipping off my finger). "Well," she said, "get out of the shower- it's my turn, and I have to go to work. Must be nice to have a day off," she mocked as she shut the shower door.

I toweled off, and then looked at my breasts for a while. When I looked up, my wife was staring at me and rolled her eyes. I mentioned that we should take advantage of the situation and approached her. She responded calmly, hitting me with her hairbrush. So that was out.

I complained that I didn't have anything to wear, so she told me to borrow some of her stuff. So I grabbed a thong, some stockings, a skirt and a blouse. That should do, I thought, and quickly dressed. God, my legs were so warm in those stockings. I asked my wife if my butt looked big in the skirt. She deadpanned that no, it was my big butt that made it look big. Bitch.

She left for work and I was home alone.

All alone.

I quickly removed all of the clothes I had put on and climbed back into bed.

And what I did there constituted the rest of my day.

Oh, sure, I could have gone out shopping or seen how people viewed me, but the fact of the matter was that I had female parts and I made the most of it, in my mind.

Next time, I'll do all that stuff. Really. I won't just stay at home and pleasure myself for 12 hours straight.

Nah.

Mahd's Guide to the World, Part 7: East Asia

Welcome back to our Guide. Today, we travel to the mysterious Orient, or East Asia as it is called by those who are not 19th-century British explorers. Our countries today spread from North Korea to Indonesia, China to Japan (which is more impressive than it sounds because China is huge). The countries:

Taiwan

When Chinese nationalists were driven off the mainland after WW2, they fled to Taiwan, a tiny little island off the coast. In response for not having all of the people or land that the Communists have, the Taiwanese have instead opted to make their entire island a giant theme park of commercialism. The entire island is paved and built on, right up to the shores, which explains the high "sea-view dining" restaurant to population ratio. It's impressive considering that there are 22.5 million people living on the island, all of them creating crappy low-grade toys or "United we Stand" magnetic stickers for your 10 MPG Hummer. The population density is so high, in fact, that if you're walking around and don't have a few crotches pressed against you, you're considered to be living in the height of luxury.

North Korea

North Korea is Disneyland if Disneyland were some strange place ruled by a totalitarian dictatorship with an intent to keep the status quo forever. So in other words, exactly like Disneyland.

If you could even travel to North Korea (which is prohibited), you probably would not be able to go outside the hotel (prohibited). You could watch TV (currently prohibited) or read a book (prohibited), or call room service (not prohibited, but you'll be put on a government watch list). At night, you can visit downtown Pyongyang (prohibited except between 2am and 3am. However, there is a curfew between 1am and 4am) or go to bed (prohibited). Once your vacation is over, feel free to get back on the place, which all reports say is due to be prohibited.

South Korea

When geeks die, their souls go to South Korea. The nation is well-known for it's numerous 24-hour LAN centers, where everyone spends their free time trying to get levels or gold or some kind of shit like that in online games. On the off-chance you want to interact with the real world, you can go down to the corner grocery store and buy some anime that probably features something intensely creepy.

That's not to say traditional Korean culture hasn't survived: certainly, the Koreans are always prepared to be in the middle of some kind of conflict. The little black bars on their flag actually symbolize all of the invading armies that are poised to take over at a moment's notice. Fortunately, the South Korean military is skilled in all variations of Dance, Dance Revolution, so they're ready for a fight, or preferably, disco dancing.

Thailand

Thailand draws travelers in with a combination of natural beauty, hospitality, delicious cuisine and a metric ton of "ladyboys" or transsexuals. In searching for background info for this nation, every tenth link was to something related to these gender bending people. It's apparent they plan to stage a coup and establish the world's first transsexual nation. They probably plan to take all of the drag shows with them as well.

The Thai people are an enlightened, religious people. This is probably best exemplified in their sport of kickboxing: Realizing that normal boxing might be a little boring, they decided to add something to it- kicking. Since then, many other sports have added kicking to bolster flagging attendance numbers. Look for kick baseball, kick gymnastics and "soccer but with more kicking" in the next few seasons.

Cambodia

Cambodia is best known for two things- the beautiful and ancient temples of Ankgor and the brutal and not-quite-so-beautiful reign of Pol Pot and the Khmer Rouge. While we may think some current world leaders are screwing things up, it's pretty safe to say that Pot was less popular, killing two million of his countrymen and turning the rest into slave laborers. It was so bad that the next leader, who himself managed to kill a million people and raze their cities is known as "The Greatest Leader ever".

Cambodia is generally a destination if you want to see the temples, or alternatively, to recreate some of your favorite Vietnam-era movie scenes.

Vietnam

Speaking of Vietnam, here it is. For Americans, Vietnam is a prime example of how not to try and convert a country to democracy. I mean, sure, killing the population and replacing them with people who support you is one way to do it, but far more effective is just to open a couple McDonalds and ship a cargo container worth of Coca-Cola over. It's not that exposure to commercial products makes people more open to democracy- it just makes them fatter and less likely to get off the couch to protest or fight against it.

Today, Vietnam is rapidly changing and evolving, gaining the Internet cafes, cell phones and motorbikes that plague the rest of the world. Less sure is the availability of Vietnamese hookers who will "love you long time." More research is obviously needed in this area

Singapore

Singapore is a modernized Asian country, except they're really mean. That is to say, they don't put up with your crap. While they appreciate you visiting, make sure you don't park your car in a handicapped spot- the penalty is for them to break your legs. If you come here, just make sure you blend into the crowd, which, if you are a 6 foot tall pale white man, is not easy. If this is the case, be sure to get a tan and crouch.

Laos

Laos is a country trapped in time: they want to modernize, but they want to do it at their own pace. Don't try to foist your skyscrapers on them: they don't want them. Okay, some of them do, which is why about 10% of the population left. I mean, you can only gaze at awe-inspiring waterfalls so much before you begin to ask yourself where the nearest pub is.

On the bright side, Laos is a friendly place, where you're far less likely to be attacked by bandits or raiders or Communist forces. While some cynics claim this is because you're carrying bags of cash into their country, the more realistic view is that the Laotians are actually happy to see you. On an unrelated note, anti-depression medicine is made near the country's central water supply.

Indonesia

Indonesia: the very name conjures up...well, it makes you think of.... Okay, it may not make you think of anything other than a bunch of islands. Well, up until recently, you would be right. Then the President walked under a ladder while spilling salt over his shoulder and as a black cat crossed his path.

The end result for Indonesia is disaster after disaster. Bloody civil conflicts combined with poundings by Tsunamis have all Indonesians working twenty-four hours a day on a giant four-leaf clover. If it goes according to schedule, it will be ready by early 2007. Assuming another tsunami doesn't destroy it.

Malaysia

There's nothing wrong with Malaysia. It's a pleasant place to go, where all cultures blend harmoniously in order to create a unique synthesis that all travellers can enjoy in. There are touristy areas for the less adventurous, but for those seeking a little more flavor they also offer more exotic fare.

Frankly, it's disgusting. Considering the problems its neighbors face, Malaysia must think it's pretty special to be so great. Oh sure, they had some damage from the Tsunamis, but let's face it- put a small blemish on the prom queen and it makes the rest of her even more beautiful.

Plus, I hear they smell bad. So there.

Philippines

The Philippines are an interesting mix of Anglo and Asian influences. Because the islands were a colony of Spain for many years (until the Spanish-American war), the influence is undeniable. It's often that you will see a Philippino taking a siesta (or nap) after eating a plate of nachos and burritos. Bullfighting is a popular pasttime, and you won't be able to walk anywhere without seeing a traditional sombrero on some young Philipino's head.

Or maybe I'm thinking of Mexico.

Brunei

Somehow, someway the one oil-rich country in the region is an Islamic sultanate. The irony is astounding, but it doesn't mean Brunei is a bad place. On the contrary, because it's so rich and has so few people, the standard of living is insanely high. If you're a resident of Brunei and you live in less than a Giant Palace, you're considered one of the lower classes. No person walks around with fewer servants than 10, and those servants are only members of the idle rich who have decided to see how the "other half" lives. The fact that they too have servants kind of defeats the purpose, but that's just how the country works.

It's not all sunshine, though. Recently the Sultan's son was accused of using a polo mallet two inches too long on the polo grounds. It's quite a scandal, really.

China

Communist China is one big country. And it's hardly Communist anymore. Oh sure, they'll kill some dissidents from time to time just to relive the good old days, maybe have the military march with missiles down the street, but it's kind of a sham. Everything has some great number attached to it, here. Eighty million billion people, seven hundren thousand years of history, and so forth. It's kind of exhausting.

Despite their new-found capitalist leanings, there's still the interior of the country, where the people toil endlessly in rice paddies, seemingly unaware that the year now ends with an "AD" rather than "BC". Kind of like Nebraska.

China has one of two futures ahead of it. One of those is to fully embrace capitalism, which will lead to even greater achievements for a span of approximately 3 years, at which point the planet will run out of natural resources for all those people. The second would be to re-embrace their communist roots and cast out the new capitalist influences, which will undoubtedly lead to a global nuclear conflict. It's a comforting thought, either way.

Japan

Ancient Japan was a beautiful and mysterious place. There was art in the delicate Kanji characters that the people created, and it helped that they weren't getting tattooed on stupid foreigners who think the one that means "dumbass" really means "valor". Samurai and ninja fought for the honor of their feudal lords, and the sword had a nearly mystical and spiritual quality and meaning. The Emperor himself refused to allow European trade to come until the 1850s.

Then, they had the atomic bomb dropped on them, and went insane.

Now, they sleep in individual tubes and draw horrific hentai scenes. They sell panties alongside dried octopus in vending machines. They make brilliant inventions, and then torture us by making smaller and more useful versions six months later. It's an America on overdrive with a completely different set of phobias and neurosis. It's a great place, but you almost want to calm them down a bit, maybe introduce them to your "friend" with the dreadlocks who smells like patchoulli. He'll definitely mellow them out.

The Penis Post

Today, I will be talking about cocks. Shlongs. Willies. One-eyed-wonder-weasels. In short, the human penis. More specifically, the human male penis. Perhaps in a separate post I will discuss the female penis and why that girl you took home is no girl at all but it doesn't make you gay.

What is the human penis? Obviously, it's a funny little bit of flesh that wiggles around, and then wiggles around less and less the more you wiggle it. But you keep wiggling it, don't you, you naughty, naughty person? But what else is it? In my opinion, it is the single guiding force for civilization. Great thinkers like Aristotle and Plato had penises, as did great leaders. Alexander the Great, for example, had a penis. Napoleon had a penis. Even Hitler had a penis, and perhaps if he had used it a bit more he wouldn't have been so uptight. He certainly was a cock, though.

The penis is well-designed. It comes in three styles, circumcised, natural and picante. There are infinite variations on the penis-some are small, some are large. Some are straight and could be used to drive nails, while others curve enough that they can pee around corners. It's a simple design, but has been exceedingly popular- you never see any corkscrew or square shaped toys at the adult bookstore. It's no coincidence that skyscrapers, fast cars and monuments are phallic. The designers of those things are all basically saying "this is my surrogate penis."

There are men who have large endowments, and these men would love nothing more than to wear a tight g-string, along with a matching hat and shirt denoting their large size. They might even want to pass out flyers or little pennants to make everyone aware of their stature. Fortunately, they do not.

There are men with small penises who feel as though they've been given a raw deal, but I encourage them to look at the benifits of a small penis: it can fit into small places, for example. Additionally, you never have the problem of embarassing yourself with a large erection in public.
Women will tell you that size "doesn't matter". Women also tell men with large penises that it does. At least they're humoring one of you.

Technology, too can aid men in search of a larger penis. With just a few keystrokes, your penis can go from 3 to 7 to upwards of 13 inches in length, at least until someone demands proof, in which case there's Photoshop. This electronic penis, or "e-penis", is limited only by your imagination.

Even if the penis goes out of style, it still has plenty of uses: towel hook, for example. Or if you put marks on it with a pencil, it makes a handy ruler. With such adaptibility, it's hard to thing of a future without the mighty penis.

Mahd's Guide to the World, Part 6: Scandanavia

We're going to the cold and wintery northlands today. Of course, I'm talking about Scandanavia, which contains most of the penis-shaped countries of the world. Aside from their phallic shape, Scandanavia is known for physically perfect women and men who have been hardened by their existence in these blasted hinterlands.

Finland

Finland, Finland, Finland: The country where I want to be hunting, trekking or camping. Or just watching TV.

Finland is the easternmost of the Scandanavian countries, and borders Russia on it's east. Interestingly, the Finns call their land Suomi- it's the Swedes who called it Finland, so of course the obvious name to use was the foreigners' one. If you call it Suomi, expect a pleased little smile. For years, it was under control of the Russians, who ostensibly were interested in the land for ice for their thriving pre-Soviet sno-cone industry.

Over 68% of Finland is covered in trees. Combine this with the Northern Lights phenomenon and long winter nights, and you have the setting for many creepy horror films in which the victim trips. Why do they always trip? Anyways, the long nights mean that Finns are in a deep hibernation, and emerge from their homes only to curse God for placing their country in such a northern latitude.

Sweden

Earlier I remarked that many of the Scandanavian countries are penis shaped: looked at another way, Sweden is the penis, surrounded by the more testicular Norway and Finland.

Sweden was a great power in Europe; sadly, their reign of greatness lasted a mere 4.3 hours, when King Gustav II decided to have pasta for dinner, which began the mobilization of the armed forces for an invasion of Europe. The end came when he changed his mind and had fish instead.

During WW2, Sweden was neutral, kind of how the US was neutral until December 1941. The Swedes traded coal for ore with Germany, joked with Italy about how Churchill was fat, and feigned ignorance when they were accused of shipping war materials in boxes that were marked "To Germany, XOXO Sweden". Since then, they have been neutral, and have dedicated themselves to simply taking over the world with cell phones and IKEA furniture. The economic benefits have led the government to try and re-establish the Norse pantheon with catchy advertising slogans such as "Odin wants you" and "Thor-not just for neo-Nazis anymore".

Norway

They have lovely fjords. Along with Sweden and Denmark, this country was once the homeland of the bloody and dangerous Viking raiders, who attacked along the coasts of every country they could get their ships to. In the dark ages, there was nothing more frightening than seeing a great band of hairy, fur-clad barbarians step out of a ship bedecked with a dragon's head. The country is not so much different today, except that instead of frightening berserkers, it's populated by neatly-groomed Ministers for Internal Development of Arts and Culture and the like. You may say that they're very different than the past, but I bet if you get them really angry they'll rape and pillage something.

Pretty much the only thing to dislike about Norwegians today is their whaling practices: while most of the world argues that whaling is a horrible practice that should be left in the past, Norway argues that that may be true, but there's nothing better than a fresh orca burger. Sadly, Norway never read Moby Dick, so they don't understand the symbolism that Melville was conveying- that hunting giant albino whales will eventually lead to your death at their hands.

Denmark

Denmark is the wild child of the Scandinavian states. The people aren't as reserved as in, say, Finland or Sweden. This comes from being at a latitude where you actually get to see the sun every single day.

Denmark, despite it's small size, is a powerhouse- in the past, it has ruled most of Scandanavia, England and Ireland, the Virgin Islands and also secretly held Australia until the British came and claimed it in public. This has manifested not only in the danish being a popular item in Australia (where it is called the gabaladoo), but the indiginous population of Australia all speak excellent Danish- it's just that nobody ever asks them to.

The Daned invented Lego blocks, which have become so popular that the entire nation's infrastructure is now made up of Legos. While this may seem strange, it makes them incredibly adaptable- as long as they have little 2x4 thin blocks. You can never have too many of those.

Iceland

The name Iceland is actually a misnomer: only 93% of the country is made of ice. The remaining land is snow-blasted tundra. While it makes agriculture difficult, the popularity of sledding increases every year.

Iceland is well-known as the world's oldest democracy. It didn't work quite like modern democracies: The legislative body would take a vote, and then whoever had swords killed whoever voted against them. Then they voted again.

The economy is very cyclical. First, people go and fish, usually drunk. Then they sell their fish and go drinking. And that's pretty much the cycle.

Many nations point to their famous artists and writers. Iceland's cultural development has been exclusively focused towards a better nightlife: If you go down to a bar, you're guaranteed to be drunk and going home with a stranger within 30 minutes or less. They're nothing if not efficient.



Up next, heading south- but how could we not?

Mahd's Guide to the World, Part 5: Australia and Oceania

In this section of the Guide, I'll be discussing Australia and Oceania. Not to be confused with one of the Orwellian super-states of 1984, Oceania is really just a bunch of really, really tiny islands that, when combined, form a giant robot that battles space monsters.

American Samoa

Tropical Islands, Tropical Heat, Tropical drinks. These three things will be a constant in our travels throughout Oceania. Just like when 50's sci-fi movies wanted to make something sound futuristic, they put "space" in front of it (i.e. The Space Toothbrush), so do these islands put tropical in front of words to make them sound more, well, tropical.

American Samoa was a nice place way up until it was exposed in the US for it's primative living conditions in the 60's. The locals were fine with this, but in true American fashion, the US knew what was better for them, and spent a ton of money modernizing the island. The money ran out right about 1970, though, so if you visit here, they're just entering the disco era. Exercise extreme caution

Cook Islands

The Cook Islands are a bunch of pariah islands. The first explorer came here in 1595, but didn't even bother claiming them for his country. Captain Cook himself passed on through to Hawaii, and then realized that maybe he shouldn't have gone there.

Missionaries came and converted the populace, or at least they think they did. The locals would mimic them and make fun when the missionaries weren't looking.

Today, the Cook Islands' motto is "If you can't go anywhere else, come here, I guess."

The Federated States of Micronesia

These islands are, on the exterior, doggedly hanging on to their traditional culture. Loincloths and stone currency are still used, at least when tourists are around.

Underground, though, a strange and alien culture thrives. Suboceanic tunnels connect the islands and also lead to a giant cavern where factories continually pump out new weapons. The Federated States of Micronesia's aim is none other to take over the entire world, thus creating the Larger Federated States of Micronesia.

Nefarious, isn't it?

Fiji

It's a sign of just how many islands are in the area when these countries are made up of a number of them. Fiji, for example, is made of 381,000 islands. You'd think it would be hard to administer all of the different islands, and you would be right. Half of the people think they're in French Polynesia, and when told differently, they just shrug.

Guam

Another unincorporated American territory- this basically means it's a testing ground for American ordinance as well as all of our unused copies of TV Guide from March 3, 1996.

Guam is best known for being captured and then liberated in WW2. Today, it's a big tourist destination for Japanese people, which leads me to believe they're conducting a second invasion. At someone's signal, they're all going to drop their cameras and fanny packs and pick up rifles, and then it will all be over.

Kiribati

Imagine if you planned a trip for weeks to a beautiful tropical island, and when you got there it was a Catholic church. It would suck. Nuns would be running around the beaches in flip-flops, Priests would be giving sermons aboard surfboards and altar boys...well, they'd still be molested, but they'd have tans.

The rest of the story isn't so rosy either. Hydrogen bomb tests by the UK in the 70's gave everyone a healthy glow. Rising ocean levels mean the the island may be going underwater. So in a few years, there will be lots of interesting snorkeling.

Marshall Islands

The Marshall Islands are a perfect paradise. Sun-kissed islanders with joyful dispositions float gracefully over the clean beaches, serving pasty foreigners in folding chairs ice cold drinks. The waters are crystal clear and full of varied sea life, and there is plenty for all to share.

Um, just stay away from Bikini Atoll.

Nauru

If you lie down, you will cover the entirety of Nauru. Where the rest of the world is concerned about oil supplies, Nauru worries about the decline of their phosphate mining industries. Like all suddenly-rich people, Nauru went on a spending spree, and bought a bunch of cars they didn't need, and got those heated tiles in their bathroom floor; that's just wasteful.

Needless to say, get there before the phosphate runs out or you'll encounter an island where the living envy the dead, and the dead envy nobody, because they're already dead.

New Caledonia

This island made me look up where the original Caledonia was, and it turns out it was in Scotland. Now, maybe I'm missing something, but it seems wrong to compare a beautiful tropical island with the foggy cold north of England. On the other hand, if everyone here speaks with a brogue, that's totally awesome.

New Zealand

Until recently, New Zealand was a relatively normal place. Then everyone started filming their fantasy epics here, and now orcs have overrun 72% of the island. Where they have conquered, there are no survivors. Fortunately an army of dwarves and elves are marching from the south to meet the evil menace.

Worse, the entire population has become a bunch of D&D nerds, and have developed skin conditions, bad eyesight and awkwardness around girls.

The US is currently planning a mission to airlift 2 tons of malt liquor and over a million copies of Playboy to the country. Taking up this mission is the 82nd Noogie squad. We can only pray that it is not too late.

Niue

Captain Cook originally called these the "Savage Islands". Why they ever changed the name, I will not know. The whole island has free wireless internet, which is really what you should be spending your time doing on a tropical island.

Northern Mariana Islands

Let's say you're a company, and you need cheap labor. You can't depend on China, because of the communism, and Latin America is so passe. Come here, to the Northern Marianas. Poor labor laws make it the perfect place to exploit the workers.

There are also a lot of tourists here. If you see a big bus filled with old men in too-short shorts and women wearing fuschia visors, you've found them.

Palau

Blah, blah, blah... paradise-like island... blah blah blah.. ecological wonderland of delight. Ho hum.

Papua New Guinea

There are certain places where cultures collide, and PNG is no exception. There are approximately 5 million people in these islands, each of whom belongs to a different ethnicity. Be sure to study each one, as incorrectly identifying the one you're dealing with will have a penalty ranging from death by poison needles to death by marathon sex, depending on the culture.

Pitcairn Island

These islands were settled by the mutineers from the HMS Bounty. You might think there's no better people to live with than mutineers, and you would be right. There's just under 50 people on the island these days, and that comes with all the benefits and negatives you might expect; miss a day of church and everyone will wonder where you were. Everyone is a star on Pitcairn.

Samoa

Samoa has one purpose, and that is to be devistated by natural disasters every 6-9 months. Every time you see some typhoon or cyclone or ufo attack, there's a good chance that it happened in Samoa.

This situation does not detract from the Samoans favorite pasttime, which is making fun of people in American Samoa.

Solomon Islands

The Solomon Islands decided to get their system of government from South America, which explains why there hasn't been a stable government since the late 90's. There's been relative calm since 2003, so if you wear a fancy disguise, you may be able to visit. Just be aware that the leader when you arrive may not be the leader when you leave.

Tahiti & French Polynesia

Shockingly, these islands are French. These are the islands most people think of when they imagine the South Pacific, and boy do they try to live up to the image everyone has of them. It's like they looked at every Gaugin painting and said "That's what we're trying for." Crime is not allowed, since it doesn't fit in with the theme.

Still, it's rather unnerving to see them celebrating Bastille Day.

Tokelau, Tonga, Tuvalu and Vanuatu

You will be cursed and set upon by crazy natives if you come to any of these nations. Giant apes, dinosaurs, insects and bears fight for supremacy in unspoiled jungle. Currently, the ruler is Humongous Bear, but there's rumor that the Dinosaur party has a young up-and-comer that might challenge in Parliament, especially given Humongous Bear's atrocious domestic policy record, which included the failure to keep Massive Bee from stinging Colossal Tiger.

Wallis & Futuna

As far as I know, this is a sitcom, not a pair of islands. Apparently, they are islands, and they don't want any of your dirty tourist money. They work the land, and if they get to retire to oceanside homes beside clear, sparkling oceans, that doesn't make them any different than the guy working in the coal mine in Virginia.

Australia

Australia has five beautiful coastal cities; Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Perth and Adelaide. 90% of the population lives in these cities. As far as I can tell, the rest live in the mysterious and 80's-popularized Outback. The Outback is described by Australians as a place of varied climates and ecologies; for everyone else, it's called a desert.

Australians are characterized as tough individuals. This is reflected in their sports, such as twelve different versions of rugby that vary only in how much you can hurt the opposing players. In the most deadly version, they get rid of the ball altogether and just have a big brawl in the middle of the field.

Australia lies in the Southern Hemisphere, which means that everything is backwards there. Water spirals the wrong way down the sink, the seasons are completely wrong, and I believe they all walk and talk backwards, which may also explain some of the more interesting colloquialisms, such as "illywhacker" (a trickster), "ocker" (uh, someone with a name of Oscar) and "gullabullee" (tree). When an Australian comes up to you and starts speaking in this strange tongue, just ask them as loudly as possible if they speak English.

Australians are happy people, but they are invariably tied to their beaches. If they travel 20 miles away from a beach, they begin to feel a slight discomfort. If they continue to move away, death usually occurs at around 85 miles. The only way to keep an Australian fresh is by packing him or her in sand and occassionally splashing salt water on them.

Culturally, Australians have a rich history of distinctive visual artists, but they are best and most accurately portrayed in the movies Mad Max and Crocodile Dundee. These films show that if Australians aren't guiding foreigners through their native Outback with giant knives, they're fighting in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Surely, this is how Australians want the world to see them.

View from a window

Is it wrong for me to watch people from my office window, looking down on those who are unconscious of my gaze? Is it wrong to wonder what they're doing outside, walking around, wondering about their lives and hopes and dreams? Is it wrong to visualize what would happen if I threw a grenade or shot a rocket launcher at them?

Of course I would never actually do such a thing. The window doesn't open so I'd have to break it, and that's just being ridiculous.

The only way I could see myself breaking the window would be to escape from a fire or something. There's a tree outside, so I guess I could leap to that and then climb down. Of course, I'm probably overestimating my jumping ability, so I'd wind up on the ground with two broken legs and everyone would have calmly exited down the fire escape because it wasn't really a conflagration, just a bit of smoke from a burned Pop Tart in the toaster.

I'm always planning for different scenarios. Like if terrorists rapelled down into our building, I have a plan to fight them off: I would hide behind the door, because they'd never expect that, and then choke them with a computer power cable. Then armed with my victim's weapon, I would systematically hunt each terrorist down until there was a final showdown with the terrorist boss, who I imagine has some kind of metal hand or eyepatch or some other distinguishing features: maybe muttonchops.

In fact, in retrospect a lot of my plans are for dealing with intruders in different places: on the plane, in the office, if I'm in bed. It's good to be prepared, because you never know when a team of paramilitary commandos is going to try and cause trouble. And their obvious target is me, of course: forget the President or someone else important, if I'm taken hostage, it's all over.

Now, if it was a team of commandos who just happened to be super hot ladies, I might have to surrender. I mean, you have to plan for every plausible situation, right?