Names for babies

Let me first say: I'm not pregnant. My wife is not pregnant either- I made sure by jabbing her in the stomach a few times. Despite this, the topic of baby names occassionally arises, for when we want to bring a yowling little monkey into the world. Below are some of my preferred names for children, as well as some guidelines

Names for boys

There is one rule for boys names, and that is that you should name a boy for the deadliest thing you can imagine, which is why there are so many boys out there named "Electricshark". Boys must have a name that indicates brutality, otherwise they will be destroyed by other boys with much more harmful names. With this in mind, here are a few naming conventions:

Medieval Weaponry- Good:Dirk, Dagger, Claymore, Mace, Catapault. Bad: Cat-o-nine-tails, Mancatcher, Plowshare

Large geological formations- Good: Slate, Rock, Stone, Flint, Mountain, Stalactite. Bad: Limestone, Sand, Stalagmite

States- Good: Texas, Arizona, Utah, Dakota. Bad: Rhode Island, Delaware, Florida, Puerto Rico (just you wait)

Biblical names- Good: Moses, Jesus, Saint Antigone of Palaparnassus. Bad: John, Pope Pious, Hezjebejiah

Animal names- Good: Snake, Raven, Wolf, Jaguar Bad: Sloth, Water Buffalo, Turkey, South American Cottontailed Hare

Names for Girls

Girls have a number of rules for names. First, the name you give them must never also be the name of the stripper or hooker you saw the night before the child was conceived. Secondly, the name you give them must indicate their purity, which they will toss away in the back of some 16-year old's 1984 Honda Civic. Finally, a girl's name should be the name of some obscure relative who they will never see or care about- this will annoy them. Some sample names:

Month names- Good: May, June, April, April 15th Bad: September, October, January, March

Flower/Tree names- Good: Ivy, Rose, Willow Bad: Flytrap, Stinkflower

Old Lady names- Good: Ethel, Mildred, Wilma Bad: Delilah, Elly Maye Sue, That old bag

Creature/Animal names- Good: Angel, Bunny, Fawn, Unicorn Bad: Baelzebub the Lord of Lies, Bitch

Names with i's and y's in strange places- Good: Traci, Joni, Myra Bad: Janyce, Luci, Brytani, Iiiyyii


The moral of the story here is, choose a name that fits your child. If she's born in a trailer in the South, just save her the trouble of changing her name for porn later in life and name her "Busty". If he goes to a private school in a rich part of London, just name him "Lord Autumnbottom". And if you catch him dressing in his mother's clothes, you might as well call him something obsequious, like "Jody" or "Chris". Most importantly, choose a name that he can hate forever, like "Apple" or "Troutfishinginamerica" or "Scotty". If you do this, he might run away, and you will be free to spend his college fund on a new spa.