Advice to bloggers

I am, I realize, the paragon of blogging reliability, apart from an unannounced 5-month hiatus that was punctuated by my wife stating that I hadn't updated the blog in x number of days. Then she would shake her head sadly and only by focusing really hard on whatever unconstructive activity I was doing was I able to squelch the Voices of Guilt in my head, who not surprisingly sound like my mother. After all, how could I let down my legions of fans who depended on this blog for a daily laugh?

Then I remembered, there are no legions; at least, if there are, they are fans of the hilarious Milk- Delicious Cow Mammary Fluids blog which I am not associated with. (Not since the...unpleasantness).

Regardless of where I've been or who I've been doing, I am back now with the intent of producing the finest blog-based content available. To that end, I am now drawing upon my vast experience of something like 20 blogs in 3 years. With those kind of credentials, I should write a book: because I am lazy, I will bullet point a few things I have learned.

• Blogging is hard to do on a daily basis- Even if you discount the fact that you need an idea every day, the day-to-day struggles of life make it difficult. With fine television comedies and dramas and many delicious chocolately options available, as well as a marked improvement in sofa "cushiness", I predict blogging will slowly die out over the next 2-4 months. Please note that I also predicted that 60's styles would be making a comeback this year. On an unrelated topic, if you know anyone that wants to buy a tie-die machine, message me.
• No matter what you blog about, you will gravely insult one of the major world religions. With this bullet point, I have offended them all.
• Advertising your blog is a useless endeavor- you are only advertising to spammers who will fill your comments with things like "I really agree with you on the subject of plush toys vs. rubber ones. If you would like to know more about my blog about great stock tips, visit me!" The best way to advertise your blog is to pretend that you are someone famous, like George Bush, Ralph Waldo Emerson, or the lead singer of Led Zepplin. As long as you sound like them from time to time, nobody will ever know that you're not them. (Examples: "The Axis of Evil, nucular", "She's buying a stairway to heaven", "Hey, I'm all philosophical up in here, because I am Ralph Waldo Emerson")
• If you can't write a lot of words, at least have a lot of links to Myspace profiles, web cartoons, and YouTube videos. Note: People may not return to your blog if you link them other places, especially if those other places have free porn. Because, hey, free porn.
• Updating consistently and reliably is the best way to cultivate a thriving community discussion on your blog. Moving on....
• A political blog is a great way to get loudmouth jerks to argue endlessly in your comment section. They are drawn to such discussions like snakes to a Snake Attractor 2000. To have fun with them, vehemently argue one side, then the other. This will confuse them long enough for you to delete all of their comments.
• Beautiful backgrounds and pictures will really spice up your blog and make it more attractive to people. If your blog does not take at least 1o minutes to load, add more dancing hamsters.
• If nobody is commenting on your posts, feel free to create multiple accounts and post on your own blog. Eventually, you will create an entire world of fake characters, and your skewed sense of reality will warp what is true with your deceitful creations, utterly destroying everything you are. On second thought, do not do this.
• Blogging will ultimately lead you a more fulfilled person with a large group of friends from around the world who will want to sleep on your couch when they come in from out of town.

There you go. There's probably more there, somewhere, but frankly, it's going to take a large book advance (or lack of blog topic) to get it out of me.