Tuesday, March 14, 2006

The Penis Post

Today, I will be talking about cocks. Shlongs. Willies. One-eyed-wonder-weasels. In short, the human penis. More specifically, the human male penis. Perhaps in a separate post I will discuss the female penis and why that girl you took home is no girl at all but it doesn't make you gay.

What is the human penis? Obviously, it's a funny little bit of flesh that wiggles around, and then wiggles around less and less the more you wiggle it. But you keep wiggling it, don't you, you naughty, naughty person? But what else is it? In my opinion, it is the single guiding force for civilization. Great thinkers like Aristotle and Plato had penises, as did great leaders. Alexander the Great, for example, had a penis. Napoleon had a penis. Even Hitler had a penis, and perhaps if he had used it a bit more he wouldn't have been so uptight. He certainly was a cock, though.

The penis is well-designed. It comes in three styles, circumcised, natural and picante. There are infinite variations on the penis-some are small, some are large. Some are straight and could be used to drive nails, while others curve enough that they can pee around corners. It's a simple design, but has been exceedingly popular- you never see any corkscrew or square shaped toys at the adult bookstore. It's no coincidence that skyscrapers, fast cars and monuments are phallic. The designers of those things are all basically saying "this is my surrogate penis."

There are men who have large endowments, and these men would love nothing more than to wear a tight g-string, along with a matching hat and shirt denoting their large size. They might even want to pass out flyers or little pennants to make everyone aware of their stature. Fortunately, they do not.

There are men with small penises who feel as though they've been given a raw deal, but I encourage them to look at the benifits of a small penis: it can fit into small places, for example. Additionally, you never have the problem of embarassing yourself with a large erection in public.
Women will tell you that size "doesn't matter". Women also tell men with large penises that it does. At least they're humoring one of you.

Technology, too can aid men in search of a larger penis. With just a few keystrokes, your penis can go from 3 to 7 to upwards of 13 inches in length, at least until someone demands proof, in which case there's Photoshop. This electronic penis, or "e-penis", is limited only by your imagination.

Even if the penis goes out of style, it still has plenty of uses: towel hook, for example. Or if you put marks on it with a pencil, it makes a handy ruler. With such adaptibility, it's hard to thing of a future without the mighty penis.


At 6:19 PM, Blogger Knows It All said...

I have a feeling you wrote this post to lure us in to commenting.

I'm inspired. I may just post on my own about this.

But I just think that every person out there who has not "Experienced" the weenie weinie should know what the signs are. Big hats, big trucks, affinity for inexperienced women (preferably virgin) and an elephant's sized attitude problem... the eternal chip on the shoulder. Ok, and then that person should know that if you are one of those whom sexual satisfaction is more "mental" or "emotional", then the little cute ones are not a real problem. But if you are a demanding type or have clear physical requirements, steer clear. THe frustration is unbearable, and you'll feel like a bad person in the end when you have to get rid of the little guy. Because while it may not be his fault, it sure as heck isn't your burden to bear. So yes MAHD, there are people out there humoring the little guys...because isn't it bad enough that they are stuck with it? These are the kind, selfless, patient women. Most of whom wouldn't complain if it was a corkscrew. And that goes double if they talk about his wee bit, because if he knows it, and she knows he knows it....then she feels secure that he isn't going to stray as easily, out of fear of humiliation. But that said, I have HEARD that there is an issue with the other side of the scale as well, but hardly ANYONE complains. But there are a few.

Oh yeah,and you left out that they are pretty ugly. Even so, ever appreciated and respected.

At 7:27 PM, Blogger jungle jane said...

i not sold on the ruler idea. firstly i don't have a penis which means that when i wish to measure things at work i will need to ask my boss to unzip his trousers. and secondly if i want to measure something about 30 inches long then i am going to have get the whole of the mailroom involved with back to back penises.

i might just stick with a ruler for now...

At 11:07 AM, Blogger Mahd said...

Knows it AllPenises are ugly- I've heard this comment before: You can get manicures and pedicures, why not a penicure? They could exfoliate it, polish it, maybe tie a little bow around it...hmm..

jungle jane, Perhaps a penis ruler is a little less useful than a regular ruler. But unlike a regular ruler, it can extend!

At 2:28 PM, Blogger sheriff of nothing said...

Sometimes I wish I had one - it would be such fun to play with.
I certainly don't agree with the ugly factor - I think they are hrmm what is the word here, FUNKY. Wonder if I can buy me one from eBay?!?

At 5:28 PM, Blogger ChickyBabe said...

If I ever had any doubts about what men obsess about, this post has laid them to rest! Even the mighty Mahd is not immune :). Women who say size "doesn't matter" are stroking your ego, and it ain’t going to get any bigger!

I concur with Sheriff; they’re not (usually) ugly. It’s a macho thing said by men to prove that they’re not too self-obsessed with it (which they are) or aren’t gay.

But why-oh-why did you have to mention Plato and Penis in the same sentence? What have I ever done to you… *sob*

At 11:35 AM, Blogger Mahd said...

sheriff of nothing, They are exceedingly fun to play with. I highly suggest you have one installed!

ChickyBabe, just like two non-parallel lines eventually intersect, every male blogger at some point must talk about penises.

We are obsessed with it- as a man, everything revolves around it, both literally and figuratively.

Plato and Penis...I didn't even realize...perhaps my subconscious is giving me clues!

At 2:03 PM, Blogger Fuckkit said...

Odd looking things methinks. Not that I know anything about it.

At 5:08 AM, Blogger Scorpy said...

Hi, This has nothing to do with dicks but I have just read the entire collection of 'Guides to the World' and absolutely cacked myself. Mate they are bloody hilarious.. I may have to drop by more often. What's next in the travel Guides?

At 11:08 AM, Blogger Mahd said...

Fukkit, They are pretty odd, but they get the job done. Whatever job that is

Scorpy, Thanks much for coming by! The next travel guide? Well, you'll just have to come back and see! (Isn't that unsatisfying?)

At 5:22 AM, Blogger chica bonita said...

is asia coming up next? YESS??!

this penis talk just reminded me that i've not had sex for a long time. >.<


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