Sunday, March 12, 2006

Mahd's Guide to the World, Part 6: Scandanavia

We're going to the cold and wintery northlands today. Of course, I'm talking about Scandanavia, which contains most of the penis-shaped countries of the world. Aside from their phallic shape, Scandanavia is known for physically perfect women and men who have been hardened by their existence in these blasted hinterlands.


Finland, Finland, Finland: The country where I want to be hunting, trekking or camping. Or just watching TV.

Finland is the easternmost of the Scandanavian countries, and borders Russia on it's east. Interestingly, the Finns call their land Suomi- it's the Swedes who called it Finland, so of course the obvious name to use was the foreigners' one. If you call it Suomi, expect a pleased little smile. For years, it was under control of the Russians, who ostensibly were interested in the land for ice for their thriving pre-Soviet sno-cone industry.

Over 68% of Finland is covered in trees. Combine this with the Northern Lights phenomenon and long winter nights, and you have the setting for many creepy horror films in which the victim trips. Why do they always trip? Anyways, the long nights mean that Finns are in a deep hibernation, and emerge from their homes only to curse God for placing their country in such a northern latitude.


Earlier I remarked that many of the Scandanavian countries are penis shaped: looked at another way, Sweden is the penis, surrounded by the more testicular Norway and Finland.

Sweden was a great power in Europe; sadly, their reign of greatness lasted a mere 4.3 hours, when King Gustav II decided to have pasta for dinner, which began the mobilization of the armed forces for an invasion of Europe. The end came when he changed his mind and had fish instead.

During WW2, Sweden was neutral, kind of how the US was neutral until December 1941. The Swedes traded coal for ore with Germany, joked with Italy about how Churchill was fat, and feigned ignorance when they were accused of shipping war materials in boxes that were marked "To Germany, XOXO Sweden". Since then, they have been neutral, and have dedicated themselves to simply taking over the world with cell phones and IKEA furniture. The economic benefits have led the government to try and re-establish the Norse pantheon with catchy advertising slogans such as "Odin wants you" and "Thor-not just for neo-Nazis anymore".


They have lovely fjords. Along with Sweden and Denmark, this country was once the homeland of the bloody and dangerous Viking raiders, who attacked along the coasts of every country they could get their ships to. In the dark ages, there was nothing more frightening than seeing a great band of hairy, fur-clad barbarians step out of a ship bedecked with a dragon's head. The country is not so much different today, except that instead of frightening berserkers, it's populated by neatly-groomed Ministers for Internal Development of Arts and Culture and the like. You may say that they're very different than the past, but I bet if you get them really angry they'll rape and pillage something.

Pretty much the only thing to dislike about Norwegians today is their whaling practices: while most of the world argues that whaling is a horrible practice that should be left in the past, Norway argues that that may be true, but there's nothing better than a fresh orca burger. Sadly, Norway never read Moby Dick, so they don't understand the symbolism that Melville was conveying- that hunting giant albino whales will eventually lead to your death at their hands.


Denmark is the wild child of the Scandinavian states. The people aren't as reserved as in, say, Finland or Sweden. This comes from being at a latitude where you actually get to see the sun every single day.

Denmark, despite it's small size, is a powerhouse- in the past, it has ruled most of Scandanavia, England and Ireland, the Virgin Islands and also secretly held Australia until the British came and claimed it in public. This has manifested not only in the danish being a popular item in Australia (where it is called the gabaladoo), but the indiginous population of Australia all speak excellent Danish- it's just that nobody ever asks them to.

The Daned invented Lego blocks, which have become so popular that the entire nation's infrastructure is now made up of Legos. While this may seem strange, it makes them incredibly adaptable- as long as they have little 2x4 thin blocks. You can never have too many of those.


The name Iceland is actually a misnomer: only 93% of the country is made of ice. The remaining land is snow-blasted tundra. While it makes agriculture difficult, the popularity of sledding increases every year.

Iceland is well-known as the world's oldest democracy. It didn't work quite like modern democracies: The legislative body would take a vote, and then whoever had swords killed whoever voted against them. Then they voted again.

The economy is very cyclical. First, people go and fish, usually drunk. Then they sell their fish and go drinking. And that's pretty much the cycle.

Many nations point to their famous artists and writers. Iceland's cultural development has been exclusively focused towards a better nightlife: If you go down to a bar, you're guaranteed to be drunk and going home with a stranger within 30 minutes or less. They're nothing if not efficient.

Up next, heading south- but how could we not?


At 9:30 PM, Blogger ChickyBabe said...

At long last, somebody else can see the phallic shape of Scandinavia without pointing and laughing at me!

Having said that, I have worked with someone from Finland, and another from Norway. And I did go out once with a Swedish guy… and I’ll stop here!

At 11:04 PM, Blogger chica bonita said...

the swedish ikea guy is in the top 10 list for the richest people in the world. they're indeed taking over the whole world with ikea furniture. and swedish meatballs too!

denmark is still "famous" in australia since of the aussie girl became crown princess of denamrk. and she appeared on vogue magazine soon after. eww... fashion faux pas more like it!

At 11:04 AM, Blogger Mahd said...

ChickyBabe, I'm glad to see you've...ah....made your way around Scandanavia ;)

chica bonita, I think the fact that I can talk about IKEA and everyone from everywhere knows what I'm talking about is proof.

And who wouldn't want to be a princess?

At 9:32 PM, Blogger chica bonita said...

i wouldn't. :-) at least not that sort of princess.

At 4:14 AM, Blogger Scorpy said...

Funniest bloody thing I have read in ages...well done!
I just popped over from ChickyBabe


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