Saturday, February 25, 2006

I'm a Handyman, man

Ever since I was a wee lad, I've loved to build things. First, it was my lincoln logs, with which I could make many a rustic dwelling which could be used as general store, blockhouse to fight Indians or birthplace of Abraham Lincoln, who would then fight Indians. As I got older, I was enraptured with Legos, those little swedish blocks fueling my imagination as I built castles, spaceships and scale models of robotic warriors who wore stovepipe hats.

I grew up, as we all do, and now I am a man. As such, I am required to do miscellaneous acts of workmanship in order to keep up or improve my home. There are three ranks in this realm, each of which has it's own challenges and rewards, and which require additional tools. They are now listed:

Low-difficulty job aka The Simplexor
Tools needed: Hammer or screwdriver. Manly brawn.

Examples: Screw in a lightbulb, fix the toaster, put nail in the wall, unscrew something, reach something high up. Bash something, like spiders.

Typical comments: "Let me help.", "Don't worry, I can reach/get it/pound the living crap out of it.", "You got me off the couch for this?", *bemused look*

Reward: Slight feeling of accomplishment, bringing it up in argument.

Downside: If you fail, you might as well turn in your man card.

Medium Difficulty job aka The Bragston Special
Tools needed: Normal hand tools. Those little hex wrenches that come with stuff. Bonus points for power tools.

Examples: Furniture built from kits, hanging ceiling fans, installing shower doors, most car repair, electrical/plumbing repair.

Typical Comments: "I need to get a new drill at the store for this.", "Yeah, it was tough, but I found a way to make it work.", "This is all I can do today, sorry I can't go antiquing."

Reward: Unsubstantiated feeling of accomplishment, bragging to friends and family. Possible sexual favors by grateful partner.

Downside: Some of these jobs might actually contain the possibility of bodily harm. Time consuming. Failure means that you get to call a professional, who you will seethe at.

High Difficulty Job aka The Holy Handyman
Tools needed: Those that are often required at building construction sites.

Examples: Carving furniture from solid tree trunks, Wiring a new guest house which you also built yourself from lumber which you chopped down. Anything hewn from "the living rock".

Typical comments: "I used a j-bar joint on the flange to keep the maxidontal tracepts from pushing in on the tollinary bracket.", "This reminds me of the time I built a log cabin using a dull knife.", "Yeah, rebuilding that engine was hard, but it was worth the extra effort to port and polish the manifold."

Reward: Crowd of gawkers. Sexual relations, possibly from impressed males. Boasting rights to equal an astronaut.

Downside: Everyone asks you for advice and help on their projects. You are certain to lose a few limbs if you do this enough, and then you're forced to become a shop teacher.


At 2:21 AM, Blogger ChickyBabe said...

The Holy Handyman is facing extinction on the basis of boredom. Just listen to his typical comments and you'll see that he'll got no sexual favours. Best to pay for his services and stick to the Bragston Special; that would give you an excuse not to go antiquing!

At 5:51 AM, Blogger Knows It All said...

Personally, I always thought I needed a handyman. WHen I met my husband, he could put toilet paper on the holder...he can now hand a picture....but that's where it ends. He didn't even know what the fuse box was.

I'd like him to discover the Bragston, but he will likely always be the Simplexor....(the lite version!).

Thank God for the Yellow Pages.

At 11:34 PM, Blogger chica bonita said...

you know what else i think should be added to the category? the "IT handyman". boy, i do really need one of these who would do the simple converting .3gp file to .avi and of course, reviving dead laptop.

At 8:55 AM, Blogger Mahd said...

ChickyBabe, my dad is one of these guys; he knows everything about everything. And he's shocked when I don't know about it...

knows it all, I'm a handyman when it comes to this kind of stuff, but I'm relatively useless when it comes to cleaning and laundry...I've ruined more of my wife's clothes than I care to admit.

chica bonita, I'm an IT handyman in my work life...maybe a future post about things from my perspective...

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