Thursday, February 16, 2006

Mahd's guide to the world, part 2: The countries of the middle east

The mideast is a complex and ever-changing area of the world. Despite this, there is one word that always springs to mind whenever the region is mentioned: peace. No, perhaps it's not the same kind of peace that you might expect at a camp sing-along, but it's a peace nonetheless: the peace after the end of a heated gun battle, for example. Or the brief millisecond of peace that occurs once a year before people start killing each other again.

Nonetheless, the people of the mideast are a hearty, friendly people (provided you worship the same God in the same way as them). Without further ado, here's the background on the countries of the mideast:


Bahrain is often known as the "gateway" middle eastern state. It has the luxury of not being located next to a sworn enemy, so the people there are less assiduous about arming themselves. Indeed, Bahrain is known as a great tourist destination, where people go so that they can go home and tell people they visited the Mideast, which makes them look daring, when in reality they just spent it on the beach here.


Iran is kind of like the minister who rails against pornography, then goes home to his S&M dungeon. On the exterior, they keep it real, shouting about the Death of America and capitalism and all sorts of other popular opinions. In reality, though, they have the McDonalds french fries hanging out of their mouths and the iPods in their ears when they say these things, so it's kind of hard to take them seriously. Iran is that kid in school who makes fun of the nerds in public, but sneaks away to cosplay at the Comiccon.

Iraq They used to be Babylon, so that's cool. Nobody really knows what the future of Iraq is, but my bet is that the entire nation is going to be turned into a 70's style disco, so as to drive the insurgents/terrorists/slightly angry people out. Few enough Westerners can stand Disco Duck, so it should definitely help cut down the problems in that country. It's either that, or everyone will be forced to create the world's largest human pyramid. Sure, some people may fall, but in the end, I think everyone will feel a real togetherness if they pull it off.


There is no country on earth more beloved by it's neighbors than Israel. This is true: the country is loved. The population of the country, however, is not. To say the least. After World War 2, the brightest and best minds sought to find a place where the much maligned Jewish people could finally rest in peace and harmony. To say they screwed up might be an understatement. On the bright side, that reggae guy Matisyahu has that really catchy song.


Jordan is a desert wasteland. Most of us look at a picture of the desert with a cactus and a cow skull and think, "Wow, it's really hot there." Jordanians look at this and think, "Wow, a cactus! What a stroke of luck!" The main import for this nation is those nail clippers with the little file thing, because they're continually getting dirt under their fingernails. They do, however, host one hell of a sandcastle building comptetition.


Kuwait is a small, insignificant country, brutally ruled by a cabal of imperial masters...

What? They have oil?

Kuwait is a major player in world affairs, whose golden lands bespeak only of the fairest tidings any land can possess. Their people speak in a language befitting the higher ranks of angels, and they all have dispositions to match. Truly, no nation is as blessed by God as Kuwait.


Lebanon has long been a puppet of bigger, more powerful nations. Phoenecians, Assyrians, Greeks, Romans, Byzantines, Umayyuds, Ottomans, Israel and Syria have all jackbooted their way into the country and occupied it. It's kind of the in thing to do: once in your life, you have to go to New York, go to London, oh, and conquer and rule Lebanon. Definitely do that. Even though it seems like Lebanon is finally going to become independent, it won't last: We all know that Luxembourg is eyeing it greedily...


Originally, the name of the country was "Dammit", but apparently this was too strong of language for people, so they went with the slightly less vehement present name. Oman is also the founder of all of the classic humor of the region. Not only did they found the small-tent-on-the-outside-but-palatial-inside joke, but also the beautiful-woman-with-ugly-face-behind-veil gag. Also, I think they invented camels.

Qatar & UAE

Like Oman, Qatar's name was invented for a purpose: that is, to make English speakers have fits over language rules. The UAE is simply a clever ploy by non-Americans to have a catchy acronym for a name. What links both of these countries is a love of tourists. Dubai, in particular, is currently draining every bit of water for interesting resorts made out of islands. Future island communities include one shaped like a giant middle finger, as if to give the bird to less prosperous Middle Eastern countries.

Saudi Arabia

Saudi Arabia one of a few holy lands of the Islamic faith. In it's borders are Mecca and Medina, where less than one in a thousand pilgrims is trampled to death over the course of the year. There are, however, other holy sites that are less well-known in the country:
  • Al-Bazadar, where Muhammad once said, "Whatever happens, I hope that the Jews and us can get along"
  • Tabuk, a site where Muhammad, Moses, Jesus, the Buddah and several Hindu gods all sat around drinking coffee. Also spotted in the area were Thor, Ra, Hades, Zeus, Habbukak, Ahura Mazda, and several lesser demons and dieties. That makes this this spot the holiest site in the world. A machine shop is currently built on the site.
  • A trans-dimensional gateway to Omicron 9, a planet of big-breasted nympho alien mistresses. This is where the last known sighting of Muhammad occurred.

Also, Saudi Arabia has lots of oil, and act like dicks because of it.


Poor Syria. Once the rulers of all of Jordan, Israel, Lebanon and Syria, they're now reduced to their own little country, which is fortunate, because saying Syrisraebanordan is fairly difficult and tiring. All Syria wants is to be loved, and to crush their enemies beneath their boot, wailing and gnashing their teeth. Is that so wrong?


Stay the fuck 0ut of Yemen. The Yemenese are good at one thing, and that's causing trouble. They may not even be particularly against whatever they're fighting, but it's expected. It's like your friend who always crushes the beer can against his head; now that he has the reputation for doing it, he's got to keep up appearances, no matter how mushy his frontal lobe has become. That's Yemen- always with the revolution, always with the attacking the status quo. It works for them- it's what they do. We look forward to seeing the next change...from far, far away.

So that's it for the mideast: stay tuned, your country might be next...


At 7:59 PM, Blogger ChickyBabe said...

Excellent! You've outdone yourself with this one, and for your efforts, you will be sent to the Middle East as the next UN Ambassador!

I've been to some of the countries you describe, and you couldn't have done a better job describing them!

At 9:45 PM, Blogger chica bonita said...

this is absolutely brlliant, mahd!!! i almost spill out my ice cream on the screen while reading it. i can't wait for the third lesson!!! :-)

At 7:18 AM, Blogger chica bonita said...

sir, when is lesson three? i've been waiting for ages!!!

At 8:41 AM, Blogger Mahd said...

ChickyBabe, I will be UN Ambassador, so long as I get one of those nifty world island things to myself.

chica bonita, These take a long time to do! Too many damn countries in the world... I'll try and get one out today.


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