Older than I've ever been

I don't feel old. That statement is a defiant one, totally reckless in the face of all studies that indicate that time is indeed passing. Well, I say "screw time", which is happily enough what I say when I want to get a little action from my wife, the difference only being where you place the emphasis. Actually, I think if I walked in the door and my wife was watching "Will and Grace" and I announced in my most regal voice, "Screw Time" while dropping my pants, she would die of uncontrollable laughter. So I should try that and see.

The subject of age only comes up because I'm 10 days away from my birthday, and immediately before we increment that number of years we realize that we have aged. Or at least I do. I'm generally not too focused on it- Hell, if I'm caught off-guard at a liquor store when they ask for ID, I say, "I'm 21" which is a lie and a falsehood- I was 21 years ago, but it's at that age that we inherit the last of our age-based perks until we're 55 and can get cheap, greasy eggs at Denny's.

I bear few scars of age, aside from some little wrinkles around my eyes that my wife enjoys pointing out. I've managed to avoid the most dreaded malady that could afflict a man of my age: a receding hairline. Once, when I was young, I thought it would be funny to shave my head so it looked like I was balding and to garner the sympathy of passers-by who would naturally assume I had some rare affliction, but I never had the guts to go through with it. Hopefully I have a son someday who I can force into it.

So. 28 years old. What does that mean? Well, I keep waiting for a van to show up on my birthday to take me to some government-run center that educates me on the true reality of life along with a warning that if I ever tell anyone, my life is forfeit, but apart from that, not much. Some presents, along with my satisfaction in telling people that I was due to be born Christmas day, as if that somehow links me with Jesus because we share the same birthday. As a child, being born before Christmas is a boon- most parents don't want to deprive their kids of the experience of a birthday party, so you make out like a bandit. Add in that my mother's side is Jewish and my father's side was some variant of Protestant and I had the gift-getting trifecta of Christmas, Hanukkah and birthday. It's too bad Kwanzaa didn't exit back then, or I could have tried to figure some angle to get in on that. Once you start to get older, your birthday is quickly overshadowed by that Jesus guy. You start wondering what you have to do to get some attention: then you remember, oh yes, die for the sins of all mankind. Ok, I'll pass, he can have the pine trees. I wonder if Jesus is remembered among the pine trees as an evil figure, since his birth leads to thousands being cut down every year. I digress.

As we were discussing: 28. In German, it's pronounced achtundzwanzig, which sounds really cool and angry but still could use some umlauts. Heck, "fluffy bunnies" in German translates to "flaumige Häschen", which also sounds threatening if you say it in an angry voice, which is the only kind I expect Germans to have. But perhaps I've seen too many WW2 movies.

Some people say that age is a state of mind. Those people are fools- can't they see old people hobbling around and running over people in their wheelchairs and doing inane things like buying their grandchildren slippers every year for Christmas? No, there is some credence to age. It's here so that when we do something stupid we can tell ourselves "What do you think you are, 18?"; unless you're 18, in which you're likely telling yourself "Boobies! boobies! boobies!". That said, I feel the same as I did when I was 21, which makes me happy. I still can eat a large pizza in one sitting, and do the same things I did when I was younger.

Of course, my hearing isn't what it used to be, and my trick hip is acting up and I can't seem to recall the name of that young whipper-snapper down at the corner store who sassed me. When I was a kid, you couldn't have gotten away with that; no sir...