Impotence, Judaism and you

Since I was a wee lad shining shoes and selling newspapers on the streets of New York, dressed in my finest rags and faded windsor cap, I have been competitive. I always want to be the best in whatever I choose to do, unless it's something I'm no good at, in which case I give up completely and curl into a withered, quivering ball. Despite being of a rather average size, I was able to do well in some sports, with the exception of golf and basketball, or anything that requires coordination. The other night I managed to knock over an entire stand of chapstick, sending lip-soothing comfort scattering across the cashier's counter.

I am irked by this blogging thing- on one hand, I don't want anyone to read it, because that removes all the pressure involved with coming up with something interesting to say (No danger of that, as you all know). On the other hand, I want it to be read and adored by millions, leading to a lucrative book deal that will allow me to retire in style to my mountaintop fortress, complete with boat dock, laser cannons and rotating bed. If I did well enough, I could fashion the entrance to look like a skull, and that's cool. In other words, I want the benefits without any of the hardship- is that too much to ask? Fortunately, I have found a happy medium that works for me- A quality that varies from mediocre to poor and an update schedule that recognizes no human timetables. I pass the savings on to you.

One thing you may know or that I might have mentioned is that I am half-Jewish. This has never brought me any hardship- in fact, with a December birthday, Christmas and Hanukkah, I made out like a New Orleansean looter for a good number of years. Since we're bad Jews, we never went to temple, but rather celebrated in the other Jewish temple: restaurants. There's no holiday too sacred for the Spaghetti Factory. I think we should just go all the way and have pork ribs with big glasses of milk for Easter, just in case there was any lingering doubt about our piety. If Moses was around, I think he'd be a little pissed.

The other great thing about being a Jew is that I can make all of the Hitler jokes I want. Thank goodness for that, because there's nothing funnier to me than Nazis. I don't understand why people get so upset about the Nazis: It's ok, we won. Nobody is goose-stepping down Martin Luther King Blvd.

Recently, they had a protest at a nearby university against their Native American mascot. To support their cause, they had made up t-shirts with the "Harlem Blacks" and the "New York Jews", depicting a sterotypical Jewish image with the big nose and whatever else Jews are supposed to have- smiling eyes, I guess?

Let me state this in no uncertain terms- I want a New York Jews T-shirt. I want one, because that is the most awesome thing that has ever existed. I would wear it proudly, and in fact I might want multiple colors so that I can have one for every day of the week. There could be one with the Jew handling money, or one dressed up as a lawyer- there's lots of options, each funnier than the last.

I could even wear them when I'm out shining shoes and selling newspapers.