Tuesday, August 16, 2005

The Adventures of Tom "Tarbeard" Flint, part 2

(Ed. note- We explored the so-called recorder monkey in depth, but were unable to find any sort of playback button or switch. What we overlooked, however, was the note it carried, along with this exquisitely detailed painting.)

It was already two bells past the first dog watch when me crew finally get their shiftless hides assembled on the deck of the Bloody Mary's Revenge. A sordid lot they were, culled from the meanest jobs in all of Portsmouth. Some of em didn't come so willingly, but the tip o' me cutlass were all the encouragement they needed to ship out with me.

Twenty-three men in all, a decent number fer the enterprise we were about to embark on. But they were green, too- half of 'em didn't know stem from stern, but they would surely learn their business, by the devil's beard, or they would have it taken out of their hides. The only man with any sailing experience were an old salt- I had taken him prisoner aboard his ship, which was named the Seaside Lady. He were made me first mate, and I nicknamed him "Waldorf", after a salad I had the night before.

Me crew shuffled their feet as I walked along the deck, staring each one in the eyes. I marched back to the middle o' the deck, and spoke in me most dreadful voice, "Lads, ye are a lazy and worthless lot. And green as a spring day. And ye smell all clean and bathed. Well, we'll remedy all of those things before this voyage is up. Ye're aboard the Bloody Mary's Revenge, and.."

One of the men, all dressed up like a priest, which I later found out was because he was a priest, spoke up, "Sir, about that name- couldn't we go with something a little less...menacing?" The other men murmured their assent, even me first mate.

"Ye dang-blasted fools! If'n we wanted to play nicey-nice, then yah, we could be naming the ship the Watercrescent or the Butterfly Meadow or somesuch nonsense. But this is serious business, ye soon-to-be-scurvy dogs, and the Bloody Mary's Revenge it is!"

"I completely understand, sir. But maybe if we had a vote..."

"Do I look like a pollster to ye? Ye're under a grave misunderstanding if ye think that I'm here to be takin yer worthless opinion on everythin, and ye'll be walkin' the plank if ye believe otherwise."

Another man stepped forward, "Sir, I'm a lawyer who specializes in frivolous lawsuits and..."

I shot him right there.

"Any other complaints about the name o' the ship?" I asked. Me pale-faced crew shook their heads. "Good. Now we'll want to be paintin the ship black..."

"But black is not a fall color..." came a voice from the back that trailed off. Not wantin' to shoot me entire crew before we set sail, I just shook me head at the stupidity.

"Get te work, ye dogs. I'll be in me cabin, and when I come out, this ship had better be black as night!" I marched off below decks.


At 4:09 AM, Blogger ChickyBabe said...

Here Ye! Here Ye! More on the photo...

At 10:22 AM, Blogger chica bonita said...


i have no problem with the name of the good ol'ship but i have problem with the picture. can you replace it with a picture of the real you, with the neck up attached.

oh wait, or was that actually you in the picture? :-p

At 6:54 AM, Blogger Mahd said...

ChickyBabe, I have plans for that picture...stay tuned.

chica bonita, That's me. My work has a strict "pirate casual" dress code, so I need to conform to it.

At 7:05 PM, Blogger chica bonita said...

i need a 'before' picture. before putting on the pirate outfit that is. hehehe


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