The stratification of friendship

We all have friends; at least, those of us with affable personalities and good hygiene do. Now, I am talking about real friends, not the Internet kind, nor the imaginary ones that some of us invent. The latter usually indicate that you need some sort of psychiatric help, while the former exist on an entirely different strata, which I will deal with shortly.

While we may believe that there are many different kinds of friends, there are actually just two sorts: the kind that you can burp in front of, and the kind you can't. However, to make this entry a little more interesting (and lengthy), I will examine the Inferno-like circles of friendship.

At the outer edges of the friendship pond are the Untouchables. These are usually friends of friends who you can't stand, but you tolerate for the sake of peace, as long as these jackasses don't try to stand too close to you or attempt conversation. Another in this group may include people who irritated you and, although you forgave them, you did it so sarcastically that they should realize you don't really like them all that much- and yet they don't. This also includes the creepy guy who you accidentally made eye contact with at the restaurant- he's now your friend!

Closer in we have the Unknowns. These are people who you lost touch with a while ago and suddenly bump into at, say, the grocery store. Although you might have had a good friendship with them before their disappearance, now you can't be certain what your relationship is. Expect awkwardness, moreso if you're meeting the person for the second time. Others in this group are people who you are too afraid to approach, such as co-workers and lepers.

As we move closer to the all-encompassing power of your glorious friendship, we come to the Acquaintences. Your extended family lives here, waiting to pinch your cheek and tell you how they remember how small you were and how you have grown. If you're a teenager, your entire family is here. Don't worry, you'll probably grow out of it. This large group also includes anybody you've met more than once, or your "good friend" at work who you wouldn't socialize with in any other social situation. These aren't bad people, necessarily: they're just not good enough for you to pay any real attention to them.

The widest ring is that of your bonafide Friends. It's also subdivided into groups, and it's almost a necessity to keep those groups separate. For instance, if you have bicycling friends but also drinking friends, do not let them meet each other: either the reaction will be like oil and water, or like matter and antimatter- either way, nothing good can come of it. Occassionally, one or two can slip between groups, but it's best not to force the issue. In fact, you probably don't want to let the groups know the other exists, except in a vague way. Refer to them as "those people I bike with" with a sour look on your face and you'll cover your ass.

Near the center of the circle is the thing ring of Best Friends. These are like friends, except you talk to them about sex. For women, this involves details of lovemaking. For men, this including the phrase "bang","screw" or "fuck". Then the subject changes to sports. Best friends will not judge you or lie to you or betray you, unless it's especially in their best interest to do so.

At the very center are Sex Friends. These are friends that are having sex with. When you're done with each other, you will be relegated to each other's Untouchables group. Sorry, that's the way it goes.

"But wait", I can hear you saying,"you have not yet explained to us how Internet friends work, because we are otherwise unable to draw these conclusions on our own." Very well, since you ask: Internet friends operate on an identical plane that resides just above the normal one. It is impossible to jump from one plane to another, unless you do a bunch of stuff that involves the occult and witches, so don't even try. It has nothing to do with the personalities of the people involved, or even the way they look, really. The Internet allows us to be far wittier and sociable than we actually are, all thanks to the backspace key. We can take back that stupid comment we were about to write and replace it with something charming. People cannot do that in the real world, and so say those things aloud, thus dooming any relationship.

So, is there hope for someone in a lower strata to move up, to approach the greatness that is you? Possibly, but it probably depends on their effort, or barring that, extravagant gifts.