The weekend cop-out edition

I'm not feeling particularly verbose right now, so I'm going to post a random thing I wrote elsewhere, partially to share and partially to have it in one central location. Without further ado, here's "Moving":

Nobody knows it yet, but I'm secretly planning to move to Norway, land of my father's fathers. It will be in that frozen and blasted wilderness where Vikings once dared to tread that I will kill and skin a small douglas fir tree, thus completing the circle of life, and providing me with the suit made out of bark and pine needles that is critical for my urban lifestyle. So outfitted, I will travel to the northernmost fjord and recite the tale of Beowulf to many an amazed and shocked timber wolf and bear. Then, using handcrafted skis made from millions of individual hairs from the elusive albino stag of Oslo, I will ski my way towards the northern lights, which will bear me up and will carry me home, to be laid in a bed of various berries and meats, and I will drift softly to sleep, content in my success. My time is short, I must not tarry- for if I am to fail, all the world will suffer.