Wednesday, June 01, 2005

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go...

My wife is abandoning me- leaving me to forage alone in this cold and rocky wilderness, devoid of life or sustainence.

Well, kind of.

She's going to Miami for a few days with her friends, to enjoy the spicy latin salsa rhythm, or something. My belief is that she's going to get drunk every night and lay on the beach all day, the cool waters of the calm Atlantic lapping at her feet. And all I got was this lousy Pacific ocean. In truth, the reality of the situation probably lies somewhere between, and in fact almost certainly includes all of those things.

At least I'm not bitter about the fact that she gets to laze away her days in a unequaled paradise while I slowly work myself to death in an airless office, cut off from society. If I was bitter, it would be a lot harder to swallow.

The following comic basically sums up everything good about the wife being gone:

Surprisingly (and additional research has shown), there's not a lot there. Yes, I can eat what I want, when I want, who I want. I can sit around in my underwear all day, which I do anyways, even when she is home. I can splay out across the entire bed like I own the thing. I can monopolize the computer and TV as if I were a fiendish supervillian plotting the destruction of the world.

These are all wonderful things, but there's only one problem. I like my wife, kind of. She smells good. She's funny, and she laughs at my stupid jokes a lot of the time. She occassionally cleans or does laundry. The inside of her arm has extremely soft skin that I just want to eat. I would carry her around in a backpack if I could. She's got a sweet ass. She's interested in what I have to say, or at least she does an excellent job of hiding her boredom. She makes fun of me for examining all of my options for getting out of my job and becoming a pirate.

Therefore, I am in a quandry: Am I more excited to be sole master of my kingdom, answering to no man? Or should I run after the plane, execute multiple stunts and stop it and her from leaving me temporarily? Can I bear to be without her for a few days?

The answer is, of course, yes. I can stand it because when she returns to me she will be happy, with a twinkle in her eye and a bunch of new stories to tell me. It's tremendously corny, but when she's happy, I am too. And so I can bear the intolerable burden of splaying on the bed, eating corn dogs for breakfast, internet porn and appliance monopolization. It's my terrible curse, but I will bear it....for humanity's sake.


At 4:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At 12:38 PM, Anonymous Renee said...

AWWW!!! And I am sure you will live for 5 days. But, you have a good point... when she returns she will be happier than when she left. :O)

At 5:53 PM, Blogger Knows It All said...

Miami...good memories, as a woman who went with a bunch of girl friends. See my DolphinRiding Post, or Great Miami Quotes! Should make you feel a lot better! :)


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