Saturday, May 07, 2005

The Lottery- A guide on how to delude yourself into thinking you're going to win

In my last post, I mentioned Lottery Fever. For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of a lottery, it works like this:

1. You pay someone some amount of money for a little slip of paper with some combination of letters and numbers.
2. At a central location and specific date and time, they draw a combination of letters and numbers, which will in no way coincide with the ones on your paper
3. Your paper is ready to be recycled

In the event that your numbers do match with the ones drawn, then you should redeem your ticket to a lifetime of doing coke off of stripper's breasts and stop fucking around reading blogs.

Lottery Fever, by extension, is generally the period between steps 1 and 2, though in some cases where the jackpot is astronomical, it can precede step 1.

In my own opinion, the money you pay for a lottery ticket isn't so much for the miniscule chance you have to win (and really, you have more chance to be abducted by aliens that will give you a million dollars than actually winning)- you're paying for the opportunity to delude yourself into spending the winnings that you won't actually win.

I know what you're saying-why buy a ticket if you're just deluding yourself. Obviously, you have no chance to win without a ticket, so if you're trying to convince yourself that you're going to win a contest that you're not entered in, you either need professional help or instruction on how the exchange of money for goods and services works.

So you've bought your ticket with your numbers that won't be picked: how then do you catch Lottery Fever? It's quite simple- imagine that you've won. Really, the only thing stopping you from collecting your winnings is the fact that the draw hasn't been performed yet, and it's a foregone conclusion that your ticket and the draw will coincide.

First, imagine how you're going to avoid publicity. A fake name, phone number or wax mustache is a good place to start. Will you immediately cash your winnings and retreat to your newly purchased mountain fortress or underwater base? It's important to decide these things, because the media and other people will otherwise hound you for cash and interviews.

Next, think about how much you're going to spend on charity, because you're really a good person, much better than others who would be in that situation. Your generosity will put others to shame.

Of course, you can't avoid your family, no matter how hard you try because they knew you when you were 7 and remember your fondness for pirates. They'll discern that you'll be at you island pirate hideout and come there, so you might as well figure out how much each person will get. Try giving them an amount proportional to how much they mean to you, and don't forget to slight your stupid aunt that used to wash your mouth out with soap. That'll teach the bitch.

Again, remember how much you're giving to charity and how good of a person you are. Truly, your donations will change the world and your altruism will encourage the world to hold hands and sing, but more importantly, build statues in your honor.

The last step is to figure out what you'll get for yourself. Cars, houses, castles, ships, mazes from which there is no escape- the world is your oyster. Don't forget about the fancy parties that you'll have in your lakeside villa with adjoining helipad.

If properly done, Lottery Fever can last for a good 2-3 hours. Considering that a movie is approximately $10, for as little as one dollar you can entertain yourself for the same duration- it's far more economical.

Good luck, and if you do win, remember the guy whose blog inspired you.

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