Thursday, April 07, 2005

But there's nothing to do!

The universal refrain in the title of this entry is uttered by adult and child alike. In rain, and snow and vapors that kill first-born sons, people use that phrase to avoid any activity that doesn't include sitting on the couch, laying on the couch or, alternatively, splaying out over a chair, bowl of Cheetos resting ironically on their rotund bellies.
As with nearly everything I post about in this blog, I am guilty of this. (To be fair, I've never once looked at transsexual hammer fighting pictures as mentioned in my previous entry). I don't usually watch TV, the sedentary activity of choice for me is computer games. Without going into needless detail that could be saved for many other blogs, suffice it to say that I am a gnarled and wizened gamer, whose victories against simulated enemies have thrust him into the role of a hale yet hoary master of bits and bytes. Said another way, I play a lot of games.
Despite this, I am aware of the outside world- the sun does not scar my pale and pasty skin like it does some of my gaming bretheren. I stack no mountain of, well, Mountain Dew cans in my gaming abode, to shield my eyes from light that might creep in through pulled shades and disrupt the blessed darkness of that place.
Still, even on bright and sunny days where neither God nor man could find fault with anything- the sun shines, the bees are buzzing and dragonflies are scaring children at picnics, I find excuses to stay indoors.
Well, no longer! This is my clarion call- the outdoors is for me. Already I have taken that dread step towards fresh air and nature and have reserved a spot at a nearby beach campground for this summer. But how to prepare? If I was foolish enough to make that my first experience of the year outdoors, I would surely perish like a child swarmed upon by countless dragonflies (for I hear that they are deadly and swift). Herein I will make a List of Things to Do Outside. And whenever I feel the urge to be a lazy lardass, the List will be consulted, and I will make it happen. So, forthwith, the List:

The List of Things to do Outside, revision 1. Copyright MMV. All rights reserved. God save the Queen and all that:

1. Take a walk- walking is one of life's most necessary activities. Early on, some cavemen tried slithering, but it didn't take, and walking took off and became very popular.

2. Take a jog/run- When walking just isn't fast enough, there's this. It has the unfortunate side effect of being tiring and making you sweat. Depending how long you've been indoors and your heart condition, this might be a very good idea, or a very bad idea.

3. Ride a bike- Requires a bike. Lots of fun, you can get places much more quickly and you can pull out some wicked bad wheelies.

4. Go camping- Very cheap for campsite. Gear will cost $1000. Really, the only way to get back to nature is if you're doing it with your portable tent heater and air mattress.

5. Picnic - Simple idea- go somewhere nice and bring food. Execution is another thing- flies apparently congregate to the exact spot where you're going, the mayo has gone bad because you got lost driving for 2 hours, etc.

6. Beach- Here, sand and surf meet. Also, there are 30 people/ sq. foot. For goodness sakes, people, hiding your keys in your shoe is not working. Everyone knows they're there.

7. Snowboarding/Skiing- Works best in snow. Grind up the mountain or whatever. Shred, you know. The thing.

8. Road Trip- Again, simple idea- drive somewhere. However, with gas prices as high as they are, you're likely to be carjacked for your fuel tank.

9. Hiking - See walking. This time, do it in the woods.

10. Boating - During the boating trip, you must make at least one nautical/pirate reference. It's the law.

Well, that's all I can think of now. Obviously, I need to find one of those aquacars that is big enough to run around on and ski down.


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