Mahd's Guide to the World, Part 4: Western Europe

Welcome to our next leg on the World Tour. Western Europe is generally differentiated from Eastern Europe in that there's less babushkas in the West. If you're travelling towards Russia and suddenly you hit head hankerchief country, you're in Eastern Europe.

Here are the countries, and my thoughts about them after Googling them:

Portugal

A trend we will notice with European countries is that they all have the Glory Days. For Portugal, this was the 15th century, when they figured they were closest to the New World, and so sent a bunch of ships out towards it. Thanks to them (and the Pope), you now have to figure out if the country you're going to speaks Spanish or Portuguese.

Ironically, much like many of the countries they claimed, the Portuguese were run by a dictator for much of the 20th century. This makes their former colonies laugh.

Today, Portugal is known for terrible drivers, and exports them throughout the world. The next time you're cut off in traffic, it may not be the person's fault- they may be Portuguese.

Spain

Spain is a strange and foreign land. That's because everything is written in Spanish. But even if it were written in English, it would still be a strange place. The country was conquered by Muslims, and they tried their hardest to make up for it. Let's face it, the whole Inquisition thing was basically just an attention cry to point out how Christian they were.

Nowadays, Spain is a magnet for lonely ladies who get a thrill out of hearing a greasy young man speak with a thick foreign accent. This means he's "exotic"; at least, until you realize he works at the local McDonalds selling hamburgesas.

France

France gets a bad rap. They're stinky, they always surrender, they are assholes. This may not be warranted, but it's funny. France, at least, has the culture to back up their snobbery- art, food and culture are held in high esteem. It's better than some Republic of Honksylvania proclaiming their superiority to the world. Nonetheless, France still has challenges ahead of it: keeping it's cars from being destroyed, for example. Also, it might be a good idea to install some air conditioning in those old folks homes. Oh, and for God's sake, clean up your dog's crap on the street. Or maybe you're just a bunch of fetid, jerkass cowards.

Andorra

Andorra is wedged in between France and Spain in the middle of the Pyrenees. With small countries, there are two choices: remain an obscure backwater or remain an obscure backwater with high priced attractions. Andorra has chosen the latter, and has basically transformed it's entire area into a ski resort. There's a double black diamond run that goes from the north of the country to the south, but the lift line is a bitch.

England

Jolly Olde England! The land is named, of course, for the native Engs that settled here. To me, England is what America would be if we all talked silly all the time. Never mind that the majority of American culture and law is based on the English model; they call elevators "lifts". That's charming. English cuisine is also known worldwide; they're well known for the blandest, most disgusting food ever to be created. Any country that serves "blood pudding" needs to rethink it's whole plan.

England benefits from people's fuzzy ideas of how and when the Empire spread. In film and tv, I've seen Romans, French, Spanish and even Imperial Stormtroopers with British accents. To be British is to be thought of as more civilized, more refined. And yet, flying in the face of this is the food. There are lots of Englishmen who dislike the many immigrants on the shores, but at least they're bringing in a decent meal.

Wales

The Welsh, when considered separately from the rest of the United Kingdom, have a romantic mythos about them. They bring to mind druids and trees and all sorts of other crap that eleven year old girls dream about. In reality, they are just as pasty and Protestant as the rest of the island; they just have a language that makes people's tongues explode from their heads. The English didn't conquer the Welsh so much to gain their land as to make them stop speaking that wacky language.

Scotland

Here's what my idea of every Scotsman is: He's that loud friend of yours who drinks a little too much at the party and goes a little too crazy and then goes insane when you try to calm them down. In other words, they're a good time. I realize this is probably a wildly inaccurate view and generalizes every Scotsman, but that's the way it goes. They had one shot to ingrain themselves on my consciousness, and that opportunity was Braveheart, so now I imagine them to all be crazy, freedom-loving barbarians. I will be sadly disappointed if I go there and they're not killing at least a few English.

Ireland

Ireland strikes me as a contrary place: voice any sort of opinion here and you'll have a group of people with the opposite stance. For example:

Person one: "I like peas."
Person two: "You fooking arsehole, peas kilt me pa!"

It's a whole nation of people whose entire purpose of living is to be contrary, to fight whatever rules that others try to place on them and to live life as raucously as possible.

However, they make Guinness here, so I forgive them.

Italy

Welcome to Italy. Every third cathedral you see was designed by Michelangelo and every other one by Leonardo. Italy is the home of the Roman Empire, which did pretty well as far as Empires go. When you come here, chances are you're probably going to have some pasta. Just a guess, there. If you are a woman or an effeminate male, you will be approached or humped by the local boys. It's just their way of saying hello. Oh, and "I'm going to have sex with you whether you realize it or not." There's pretty much a competition between Spain and Italy to see how many nubile young foreign girls they can coax into bed; and yet, there is no winner between them.

Belgium

I don't want to say anything bad about Belgium. They're friendly, they have chocolate and beer, they've been picked on by other countries for plenty of years. The only downside to the country is that it's so small that everything becomes a major news story. Take a plane here and you might find yourself on the front page of the paper. Buy a newspaper there and you'll be on the evening news. And forget about renting a car- the paparazzi will follow you incessantly.

The other funny thing about Belgium is that the country is made up of two hilarious groups: The Flemish and the Walloons. There has never been war between these two groups because the idea of a Flemish-Walloon conflict is enough for people to cancel the whole thing based on it's ridiculousness.

Austria

Germany gets a bad rap for being the bad guy in both of the World Wars, but it's really Austria's fault. In WWI, it was the assassination of the Austro-Hungarian Emperor's nephew that started things, and we all know Hitler was an Austrian. And yet Austria has gotten off relatively scot free.

In reality, Austria is just Germany 2. Sure, it may be slightly different, but everyone here is basically German. I bet they always take Germany's side in things, too. Like if the Czech Republic is getting all irritated over something Germany is doing, Austria is all like "What's up? Didn't expect another Germany, did you?".

It also could be I don't know what I'm talking about.

Netherlands

The Dutch are leading a double life. On the outside, they are normal, happy, well-adjusted people with good jobs and families. But once you go inside their house, you see the mirror on the ceiling, the handcuffs on the bed and the wide array of sex toys arrayed on the rotating waterbed. Want to see beautiful art and architecture? The Netherlands has it. Want to smoke some hash with the midget transsexual prostitute who's plying her body in the window? You can do that too. The Dutch realize that you sometime need midget transsexuals as much as you need to see another museum full of Van Goghs.

Germany

Oh, Germany. You are a home to some of the world's finest musicians and artists. You have good, solid food, an efficient and friendly population. You have beer gardens. Every time you talk, it sounds like some Jews are about to die, which, admittedly, isn't a good thing, but it does make you sound authoritative.

I have to admit, I love you.

I don't know why. As a half-Jewish person myself, I probably shouldn't have such a love affair with you. And yet, you took evil and made it as evil as it could possibly be. But I don't love you for your evil. It was the theatrics associated with it. Black and grey and steel and orderly: writers could not invent a better villain than the one you provided. I still don't quite understand it myself. Perhaps it was that you were so invincible, and yet we took you down regardless.

And I love you for your redemption. For rebuilding yourself after being beat down and called all kinds of names and never quite trusted. I don't understand, you crazy Nazis, and maybe I never will...

I'm a Handyman, man

Ever since I was a wee lad, I've loved to build things. First, it was my lincoln logs, with which I could make many a rustic dwelling which could be used as general store, blockhouse to fight Indians or birthplace of Abraham Lincoln, who would then fight Indians. As I got older, I was enraptured with Legos, those little swedish blocks fueling my imagination as I built castles, spaceships and scale models of robotic warriors who wore stovepipe hats.

I grew up, as we all do, and now I am a man. As such, I am required to do miscellaneous acts of workmanship in order to keep up or improve my home. There are three ranks in this realm, each of which has it's own challenges and rewards, and which require additional tools. They are now listed:

Low-difficulty job aka The Simplexor
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Tools needed: Hammer or screwdriver. Manly brawn.

Examples: Screw in a lightbulb, fix the toaster, put nail in the wall, unscrew something, reach something high up. Bash something, like spiders.

Typical comments: "Let me help.", "Don't worry, I can reach/get it/pound the living crap out of it.", "You got me off the couch for this?", *bemused look*

Reward: Slight feeling of accomplishment, bringing it up in argument.

Downside: If you fail, you might as well turn in your man card.


Medium Difficulty job aka The Bragston Special
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Tools needed: Normal hand tools. Those little hex wrenches that come with stuff. Bonus points for power tools.

Examples: Furniture built from kits, hanging ceiling fans, installing shower doors, most car repair, electrical/plumbing repair.

Typical Comments: "I need to get a new drill at the store for this.", "Yeah, it was tough, but I found a way to make it work.", "This is all I can do today, sorry I can't go antiquing."

Reward: Unsubstantiated feeling of accomplishment, bragging to friends and family. Possible sexual favors by grateful partner.

Downside: Some of these jobs might actually contain the possibility of bodily harm. Time consuming. Failure means that you get to call a professional, who you will seethe at.


High Difficulty Job aka The Holy Handyman
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Tools needed: Those that are often required at building construction sites.

Examples: Carving furniture from solid tree trunks, Wiring a new guest house which you also built yourself from lumber which you chopped down. Anything hewn from "the living rock".

Typical comments: "I used a j-bar joint on the flange to keep the maxidontal tracepts from pushing in on the tollinary bracket.", "This reminds me of the time I built a log cabin using a dull knife.", "Yeah, rebuilding that engine was hard, but it was worth the extra effort to port and polish the manifold."

Reward: Crowd of gawkers. Sexual relations, possibly from impressed males. Boasting rights to equal an astronaut.

Downside: Everyone asks you for advice and help on their projects. You are certain to lose a few limbs if you do this enough, and then you're forced to become a shop teacher.

Mahd's guide to the world, part 3: The countries of South America

Ah, South America. Just like North America, except with a lower latitude, and lots of guerilla warfare. And Spanish and Portuguese. Otherwise, exactly the same. Oh yeah, and the tropical diseases that will kill you within ten minutes of arriving. And I bet there's some kind of really venemous snakes, too.

Argentina

When most people think of Argentina, they think of one thing: Nazis. It may not seem obvious at first- the language and multiculturalism seem to indicate a normal society. But look deeper at the nation and the truth comes out: it's teeming with former Nazis. For proof of this, look no further than the Falklands war. Declaring war on Britain? Seems like a very Nazi-ish thing to do to me. Fortunately, Argentina only has old Nazis these days, who are more likely to take an afternoon nap after eating too much at the senior buffet than blitzkrieg anywhere, so that's a good thing.

Bolivia

Every continent has to have a country that everyone picks on, and for South America, that's Bolivia. Chile, Peru, Brazil and Argentina all have taken land from the country, and have also instructed their troops to give Bolivians wedgies, but have so far have refrained from issuing orders to use Atomic Wedgies (also known as Wedgies of Mass Destruction). In spite of this, Bolivians can point to their cultural heritage and unspoiled wildernesses as points of pride. Also, they have lots of cocaine.

Brazil

Going to Brazil is a little like walking down a dark alley to a really fun party. At it's best, Brazil is a hedonist's dream. Lots of beautiful people, lots of booze, lots of sand and sun. On the other hand, there's a good chance you'll be stabbed by a gang of children while sitting on a bench. In Brazil, it's common to have plastic surgery; by the age of 12, if you haven't had a boob job, you're considered a relic. This applies to both men and women, which leads to some very confused tourists, but Brazillians don't care because they're too busy enjoying their food and music and stabbings.

Chile

Chile is kind of a textbook case for South America. Native population ruthlessly conquered by Spanish conquistadors? Check. Bloody revolution against said Spanish? Check. Marxist revolution in the early 20th century to be followed by landowning oligarchy followed by another Marxist revolution and suspected-CIA-involvement in overthrowing Marxists? Check.

In other ways, Chile is very different. The llamas, for example.

Colombia

What happened to Colombia? The fact of the matter was, there was something seriously wrong if you weren't immediately killed or kidnapped the second you stepped into the country. Drugs ran the place. The country's presidents would vow to stamp out drugs, and everyone would have a good laugh and then there would be a coup. It worked like clockwork.

But now- now, they're actually trying to stop the murder and drug-running and kidnappings. They're not succeeding very well, but they're making an effort, and I for one am appalled. If Colombia goes straight, where will we get the settings for our movies where the hero's plane crashes into a rainforest? It's a shame is what it is.

Ecuador

Ecuador is a small country, but like many countries in the region, it has had an adjustment period to get used to freedom. In Ecuador, that period has been 176 years, and it seems many inhabitants are content to let the military rule the country. Perhaps it's because they suffer no matter who's in charge, and at least with military rule they have fancy hats.

Offshore, there are the Galapagoes Islands. These islands, full of natural creatures, inspired Charles Darwin to come up with his theory of evolution. I know it sounds impressive, but I think he also named some of the birds on the islands "boobies", so maybe he wasn't as mature as we all think.

French Guiana

French Guiana is so named because the population all wears little berets and striped shirts. Okay, maybe not, but it would be funny if they did. This colony proves the French are assholes, because it's hot, sticky, raining all the time and rife with disease: therefore, they decided to make it a prison colony, which it pretty much has been up until recent years, when it was granted some independence. This means, of course, a Marxist revolution will occur in the next few months...

Guyana

Guyana's real distinction is that it's the only South American country that uses English as their primary langauge. Like many of the countries here, it has lots of beautiful, breathtaking natural scenery. This is code which means that there's no infrastructure whatsoever. In fact, it's pretty much assured that your five-star resort here is going to have a mud floor, your car is going to be from some former Soviet republic, and your money can purchase entire villages.

Paraguay

Compared to it's neighbors, Paraguay is milquetoast. It's bland. There's no dramatic struggle between government forces and paramilitary guerrilas. There's no thriving drug trade, or obsession with plastic surgery. If you were to travel here, you would probably see some interesting things and have a nice coffee at an open air cafe without the threat of gunfire disrupting the idyllic scene. If you're going to take the trouble to go all the way to South America, you think you'd go somewhere where you could at least have the thrill of searching for diamonds in a tropical rainforest, but Parguay won't even allow that, so what's the use?

Peru

Peru is the home of the Landmark Most Likely to Make Children Giggle: Lake Titicaca. It's also the center of the once mighty Incan empire, which ruled thanks to it's great and terrible llama force which would come down the mountains to meet their enemies and gently lick their hands and faces, because they're adorable. In Peru, European style merges with native influences to create what is known as mestizo, or "Art that merges European and Native elements".

Suriname

Where Guyana is English and French Guiana is, well, French, Suriname is Dutch, which makes you wonder why the country's name doesn't have more vowels and j's in it, like Sjurinjaame or something. 80% of the country is covered in rainforest, so there are lots of logging companies that want at that timber. Environmentalists are aware of this, so there are 5 people chaining themselves to trees for every native Surinamerite(erator).

Uruguay

Uruguay is where Brazillians go for vacation. A pleasant climate, nice beaches, political stability and safety all have brought some reknown to this charming country. Unfortunately, besides the aforementioned lake in Peru, the Second Place Finisher was Uruguay, which is laughed at when slightly mispronounced by teenagers. Uruguay is also home to gauchos, which are kind of like cowboys except that they are foreigners. Well, not in Uruguay, where cowboys are the foreigners.

Venezuela

Venezuela has been in the news quite a bit recently. Being "in the news" generally only means that you have internal strife and rioting if you're a South American country, but in this case it's some crazy guy who got elected President and started yelling about America. Yelling about the US tends to be a good way to take eyes off of your internal problems (I mean, who doesn't hate the US, right?). If travelling to Venezuela, be sure to get a Pina Colada and then complain about the service, because everyone likes tourists that reinforce negative images.

That's it for this installment: Next, the Northern Hemisphere, perhaps? Depends on my mood, and what I had for dinner.

Mahd's guide to the world, part 2: The countries of the middle east

The mideast is a complex and ever-changing area of the world. Despite this, there is one word that always springs to mind whenever the region is mentioned: peace. No, perhaps it's not the same kind of peace that you might expect at a camp sing-along, but it's a peace nonetheless: the peace after the end of a heated gun battle, for example. Or the brief millisecond of peace that occurs once a year before people start killing each other again.

Nonetheless, the people of the mideast are a hearty, friendly people (provided you worship the same God in the same way as them). Without further ado, here's the background on the countries of the mideast:

Bahrain

Bahrain is often known as the "gateway" middle eastern state. It has the luxury of not being located next to a sworn enemy, so the people there are less assiduous about arming themselves. Indeed, Bahrain is known as a great tourist destination, where people go so that they can go home and tell people they visited the Mideast, which makes them look daring, when in reality they just spent it on the beach here.

Iran

Iran is kind of like the minister who rails against pornography, then goes home to his S&M dungeon. On the exterior, they keep it real, shouting about the Death of America and capitalism and all sorts of other popular opinions. In reality, though, they have the McDonalds french fries hanging out of their mouths and the iPods in their ears when they say these things, so it's kind of hard to take them seriously. Iran is that kid in school who makes fun of the nerds in public, but sneaks away to cosplay at the Comiccon.

Iraq

Yeah....Iraq...um. They used to be Babylon, so that's cool. Nobody really knows what the future of Iraq is, but my bet is that the entire nation is going to be turned into a 70's style disco, so as to drive the insurgents/terrorists/slightly angry people out. Few enough Westerners can stand Disco Duck, so it should definitely help cut down the problems in that country. It's either that, or everyone will be forced to create the world's largest human pyramid. Sure, some people may fall, but in the end, I think everyone will feel a real togetherness if they pull it off.

Israel

There is no country on earth more beloved by it's neighbors than Israel. This is true: the country is loved. The population of the country, however, is not. To say the least. After World War 2, the brightest and best minds sought to find a place where the much maligned Jewish people could finally rest in peace and harmony. To say they screwed up might be an understatement. On the bright side, that reggae guy Matisyahu has that really catchy song.

Jordan

Jordan is a desert wasteland. Most of us look at a picture of the desert with a cactus and a cow skull and think, "Wow, it's really hot there." Jordanians look at this and think, "Wow, a cactus! What a stroke of luck!" The main import for this nation is those nail clippers with the little file thing, because they're continually getting dirt under their fingernails. They do, however, host one hell of a sandcastle building comptetition.

Kuwait

Kuwait is a small, insignificant country, brutally ruled by a cabal of imperial masters...

What? They have oil?

Kuwait is a major player in world affairs, whose golden lands bespeak only of the fairest tidings any land can possess. Their people speak in a language befitting the higher ranks of angels, and they all have dispositions to match. Truly, no nation is as blessed by God as Kuwait.

Lebanon

Lebanon has long been a puppet of bigger, more powerful nations. Phoenecians, Assyrians, Greeks, Romans, Byzantines, Umayyuds, Ottomans, Israel and Syria have all jackbooted their way into the country and occupied it. It's kind of the in thing to do: once in your life, you have to go to New York, go to London, oh, and conquer and rule Lebanon. Definitely do that. Even though it seems like Lebanon is finally going to become independent, it won't last: We all know that Luxembourg is eyeing it greedily...

Oman

Originally, the name of the country was "Dammit", but apparently this was too strong of language for people, so they went with the slightly less vehement present name. Oman is also the founder of all of the classic humor of the region. Not only did they found the small-tent-on-the-outside-but-palatial-inside joke, but also the beautiful-woman-with-ugly-face-behind-veil gag. Also, I think they invented camels.

Qatar & UAE

Like Oman, Qatar's name was invented for a purpose: that is, to make English speakers have fits over language rules. The UAE is simply a clever ploy by non-Americans to have a catchy acronym for a name. What links both of these countries is a love of tourists. Dubai, in particular, is currently draining every bit of water for interesting resorts made out of islands. Future island communities include one shaped like a giant middle finger, as if to give the bird to less prosperous Middle Eastern countries.

Saudi Arabia

Saudi Arabia one of a few holy lands of the Islamic faith. In it's borders are Mecca and Medina, where less than one in a thousand pilgrims is trampled to death over the course of the year. There are, however, other holy sites that are less well-known in the country:

• Al-Bazadar, where Muhammad once said, "Whatever happens, I hope that the Jews and us can get along"
• Tabuk, a site where Muhammad, Moses, Jesus, the Buddah and several Hindu gods all sat around drinking coffee. Also spotted in the area were Thor, Ra, Hades, Zeus, Habbukak, Ahura Mazda, and several lesser demons and dieties. That makes this this spot the holiest site in the world. A machine shop is currently built on the site.
• A trans-dimensional gateway to Omicron 9, a planet of big-breasted nympho alien mistresses. This is where the last known sighting of Muhammad occurred.

Also, Saudi Arabia has lots of oil, and act like dicks because of it.

Syria

Poor Syria. Once the rulers of all of Jordan, Israel, Lebanon and Syria, they're now reduced to their own little country, which is fortunate, because saying Syrisraebanordan is fairly difficult and tiring. All Syria wants is to be loved, and to crush their enemies beneath their boot, wailing and gnashing their teeth. Is that so wrong?

Yemen

Stay the fuck 0ut of Yemen. The Yemenese are good at one thing, and that's causing trouble. They may not even be particularly against whatever they're fighting, but it's expected. It's like your friend who always crushes the beer can against his head; now that he has the reputation for doing it, he's got to keep up appearances, no matter how mushy his frontal lobe has become. That's Yemen- always with the revolution, always with the attacking the status quo. It works for them- it's what they do. We look forward to seeing the next change...from far, far away.

So that's it for the mideast: stay tuned, your country might be next...

1. First blog you ever read?

This one, after she commented on my first post.

2. What inspired you to start your own?

I thought it would be good to record all of the stuff I wanted to write down, as well as make it a good place to practice writing. Then I just went for cheap laughs.

3. The best and worst about blogging?

The best: having a record of all my stuff and entertaining the few people who come here.

The worst: The genital herpes. Oh wait, that wasn't from the blog...

4. Who was the first person to comment on your blog?

It was Kangaroogirl, from the aforementioned blog.

5. What has been your most popular blog entry?

I don't really, know, but by Statcounter's measure, it's my recent one about the continents.

6. If I re-named my blog I would call it ...

Milk- the rather loud killer.

7. If my blog had a theme song it would be

Uh, I dunno- perhaps a little "Oi to the World"- carefree, and hopefully dictating that we can all enjoy the common foibles of life...

8. If my blog was a room it would look like ...

This will be a two parter, one for this one and one for The Lake.

Milk: Imagine the inside of a pirate ship at Disneyland. Some would be carousing, others drinking, but all would be having a good time: The outside world should not and does not matter here, only the insanity and life within.

Lake: It's the great room of a mountain cabin, wood-paneled with well-worn leather furniture. A verandah looks down the hill past a rushing river towards a tiny town below; a sparkling font of civilation. Up here, though, there is just the verandah, and the stars, and the scent of pines...

9. Five bloggers I would like to have over for dinner.

I'd have all my readers, but it would be far more convenient to just fly to Australia and have dinner there. Do they have Outback in Australia, or do they have a similar American-themed restaurant...an interesting question...

10. Two bloggers you would like to set up on a blind date.

Nah

11. Somebody I wish had a blog?

Sometimes I wish some of my friends had blogs that they didn't know I read. It would be interesting to see what they'd say if they thought nobody was watching...

12. If you were only allowed to read one blog ever again, which blog would it be?

This one, if for no other reason than she updates daily. But there are many other reasons...

13. Is there a fellow blogger you would like to snog / shag / do rude things to?

The realm of fantasy lets us do all sorts of rude things to other bloggers...

14. Discover a blog. Link to a blog that you have recently found, or a blog you have been reading for a while and haven't blogrolled.

I don't blogroll, or read new blogs. I already spend far too much time on the ones I do read.

Tag five bloggers to complete this meme.

No. Do it if you want to...

Mahd's Guide to the World, Part 1: The continents

This is a multi-part series about the world we live in, written from the perspective of someone who has been to not one, but two different countries than the one he resides in. While this might make you think that anything that might be said is uninformed and stupid, keep in mind the writer is an American, and therefore is a font of knowledge about the world.

I. The Continents - General Facts

A. There are several continents, and eight if you count Santa Claus' fortress as it's own. They are, in order of importance: North America, Europe, Asia, Australia, South America, Antarctica and Africa.

B. With the exception of Australia, the further south you go, the worse your continent is. Conversely, your food gets spicier and your salsa music gets salsier. It's common knowledge that penguins at the South Pole have a complex mating dance that involves maracas and drums.

C. Europe and Asia are sometimes lumped together in a big glob called "Eurasia". Africa has lobbied for inclusion, so look for "Afurasia", which, if you're pronouncing it right, sounds like an Englishman saying "half Eurasia". North and South America will be combined into the more simple "Supermerica" or possibly "Ultramerica".

D. It's incorrectly stated that Australia is the only continent that has a single country. North America also fills this condition, with the United States in the center, America Jr. above and America en Espanol below.

II. Antarctica- Free for all; also, fucking cold.

Antarctica is the largest continent- it's also the most empty, with fewer than 3 Starbucks' coffee franchises in a square mile. All of the nations of the world have agreed that Antarctica is off-limits for human expansion, though I bet those sneaky Russian bastards crossed their fingers when they said it and have some kind of creepy underground caverns where the Soviet Empire still thrives. Nonetheless, the official ruler of Antarctica is King Penguin the 1321st, the previous ruler having been killed by a polar bear. Since there's no people here, except for some stupid scientists who somehow believe they're going to learn something in a ice-covered wasteland, there's not much to talk about.

III. Europe- Land of a million goddamned cathedrals.

Europe has a long and boring history, mostly concerned with the land rights of pasty white nobles. The land itself is a beautiful one, rolling plains and hills that conceal the bones of all those people who fought for the pasty nobles. If there's one thing a European loves, it's killing another European. Germans like killing Poles; English like killing the French; Everyone beats up on Albania. All of the innovation that took place in Europe was due to them needing machines to take the place of all the people that died in various wars.

Today, Europe is a very different place. Today, everything is smaller, more expensive and more snobby than ever. To be European is en vogue, which itself is a French word. Rather than killing each other, Europeans are trying to get along, and that means they all use the same money now. The figure on their money is Otto von Bismarck with Queen Victoria's eyebrows photoshopped on, and they are working to combine Big Ben and the Eiffel Tower into a mega-monument that will spout curses in the three hundred languages that Europeans speak. All told, Europe is in a peaceful transition period full of hope, which, if history is any indication, will probably wind up with Germany invading someone.

III. Asia - Voted World's Swarthiest continent

Asia is a large continent, and stretches from the Japanese floating out in the East to former Soviet republics in the west, and from India in the south to a bunch of uninhabitable icy islands where humanity ekes out a miserable existence in the north. Historically, Asia has been conquered and reconquered, giving it's captors the vital 7 armies that they can use until George decides to leave the game because "it's boring" but you think it's cause he rolled lousy on his last turn.

Asia was home of the Soviet Union, a communist nation whose red empire spread like watery ketchup over everything it touched, if 1950's propaganda films are to be believed. Finally, they lost the "evil empire" rights they had won from the Germans after World War II, and they broke up. Some speculate that this was due to the guitarist dating the drummer's ex-girlfriend, but this was never substantiated.

On Asia's east coast are the so-called Asians. These include the Chinese, Koreans and Japanese. The Chinese excel at having a lot of people and bicycles. It's a fact that the whole nation was founded in order to investigate human bicycling patterns. The Japanese are a wonderful people who were relatively normal until they were nuked in WWII, and have since gone insane, creating things like vending machines that sell used panties and producing anime. However, they also make a lot of cool things like tiny cell phones, so we're cool with them.

India is also down there, and they have changed the perception of their nation from one that only creates cab drivers and convenience store owners to one that employs low-level IT workers whose name is "Frank" or "John" and secretly seethes in anger when some dumbass from Alabama calls in complaining how their multi-dish satellite TV system isn't working.

IV. South America - Where danger and fruity drinks collide.

South America consists of a number of nations who are entirely made up of steamy jungle and guerillas. In the last presidential election in Brazil, 73% of the voters were anti-government rebels who were dedicated to the downfall of the office of president. South America was once inhabited by interesting empires who didn't have guns or disease resistance, and so now they're all a bunch of Spanish and Portuguese speaking peoples. Nonetheless, a booming plastic surgery business has risen in these countries; fully 30% of the people in these nations are made of artificial products. Unsurprisingly, the pornography industry has also boomed in these nations: I know that when I get some random porn now, half the time they're shouting latin-flavored obscenities.

Like the entire world outside of America, soccer is a popular sport. Most youths are forced into compulsory military service at 16. At 17, they are forced into a soccer league. This makes the people of these countries deadly with both guns and screams of "GOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLL!"

V. Australia - Laid back, easy going people: They must be up to something

Americans like Australia: perhaps it's respect for people who also descended from British prisoners, or perhaps it's because we rarely are reminded of their existence except during a Crocodile Dundee movie marathon. This is because Australians have more important things to do than cause a problem: drinking and laying in the sun, for example. If movies are to believed, Australians are constantly battling armored vehicles in a desert wasteland, so they have enough problems without starting any themselves.

VI. Africa - Now 11% HorribleDisease free

Africa's history has been a series of ups and downs. It started off well enough with humans originating there, but since then it's had a bad streak, punctuated with some success. Carthage and Egypt, for example, were fantastic empires and Egypt even had the slogan "If our slaves don't create a monument to your greatness in thirty years or less, it's free (and they'll be killed)". The colonial period, in particular, was not a great one for Africans, since they either were enslaved or conquered for the most part. On the other hand...um, actually there wasn't any. It sucked.

Things have gotten marginally better lately: The end of the second world war gave everyone their independence and Apartheid ended only 200 years too late, so that eventually worked itself out. Africa also gets lots of aid money- the sad truth is that they spend it all on booze and zebras. Those guys can't get enough zebras, as evidenced by every nature film in which some poor zebra is hunted down. Poor zebra.

VII. North America - The Shining City on the Hill- oh wait, no, it's a Wal-mart.

North America is made of three separate countries: Mexico, Canada and the USA, plus a bunch of smaller ones, so really quite a few more than three. And then there's the Caribbean countries. But let's focus on the big three, since they control the most land and have the highest taco-to-person ratio (Thanks for that, Mexico!). The history of these lands is long and storied; unfortunately, the people who made that history were summarily destroyed and scattered. For all intents and purposes, these countries have been around for around 200 years.

The United States is currently a superpower, which means that each citizen can yell "Zablam!" and instantly change into a crime-fighting hero. This fact is hidden from the rest of the world, who believes us to simply be a nation of mild-mannered newspaper reporters. In the US, it's illegal to not have a structure placed every 10 feet, which explains the success of Ambercrombie and Fitch clothing stores. The psychological makeup of the US is that of the paranoid schitzophrenic: for some reason they believe that they must be the best at everything, even if we haven't tried it yet. Americans are constantly worried what others think of them, and yet do whatever they want anyways. It's a time-honored tradition that has worked well so far.

Canada is the least populated land in the world: there are 17 kilometers between each person, even those in the same household. Canadians are so shocked when they accidentally bump into another Canadian that the only result is a one-on-one hockey match to the death. In order for a Canadian to get to a grocery store, he or she must have two of three of a canoe, car or unicycle. Canada also hates America, and is currently trying to focus this anger into a weapon powerful enough to slightly penetrate Americans' egocentrism: They are doomed to failure.

Mexico is an outlaw land where banditos ride horses with bandoliers streaming behind them, shooting wildly into the air. Their main export is food and Mexicans. For a short time in the early 1990s, there was fear that Mexico would be unable to provide enough cheap labor to fuel the world's needs: fortunately, the crisis was averted and every hotel had a crack cleaning staff on hand for whatever problems arose. Also, there are 31 Mexican states, which is less than America's 50: no Americans are aware of the fact that Mexico has states, or even a government, really.

VIII. Conclusion

Continents are a valid way to lump together entire races of people who don't necessarily have anything in common. It's also a great way to cop out on a test: For example, if they asked where Marco Polo was from, you might be able to get away with "Europe" as an answer. For the rest of us who aren't in school, knowing continents is good in that it lets us know what region is in unrest. Considering these continents span thousands of miles, it narrows things down to half the planet or less.

Stay tuned for the second part of my world guide, in which I critique countries whose ways are different from my own.

The "I'm moving shit to my new office all weekend" blog

An aside at the beginning- I don't think anything could make me feel as lame as We Built This City on Rock and Roll by Jefferson Starship. I could be pale, overweight and sporting thick muttonchops at the beach, and I would still be more cool than I do listening to this song. And yet it was the first thing that played on my mp3 player. I can feel my mullet crowing into my studded jean jacket even as it plays.

People often meditate about how God exists in our reality: to some, he's a jolly bearded guy like Santa Claus except he has stylish robes instead of an unflattering ermine-lined red ensemble; others see him as a giant floating eye who don't take no guff from nobody. Feminists say God is a she and if you don't like that well then you're a worthless piece of shit.

There is one truth, and it's that God is a lazy bastard. If God wants something, all he does is think about it and it happens. If he wants a glass of lemonade-poof- it's there. If he wants purple-and-green zebras shedding delicious chocolate raindrops in a rainbow arc above his head, he gets that too. Really, he's the ultimate slacker: He worked for six days early on and has been riding it ever since.

Perhaps the most obvious example of his sloth is that he's never had to move his stuff. "But I'm everywhere at once", he'd say, an obvious cop-out. How can you really know what work is until you've lifted your solid oak desk up a flight of stairs? And he's never unpacked either. And I know he's always begging out of helping people move, too. "God", I hear them say, "this refrigerator is fucking heavy." But who lifts a finger to help? Not the so-called Almighty: no, it's his friend Bob who's only doing it to get the obligatory free drink afterwards. Besides, Bob has a truck- all God has is unlimited and unfathomable power, and last I checked, that didn't haul your TV hutch.

I'm complaining because I'm moving for a second time in less than 6 months. Fortunately, it's not my house stuff, but unfortunately, it is the computer equipment for my work, which is both ten times heavier and several hundred times more expensive. In fact, if I was to damage some of the equipment, they could only recoup some of their losses by selling me into slavery in Bangladesh. But they'd do it anyways.

I'm not going to go into detail into the many wonderful things that make an office move the most stress-inducing things you can be involved in, but suffice it to say that it involves getting over a hundred people to coordinate everything to be done on one day. You can't get a hundred people to agree on where to go to lunch, much less connect power, install networking equipment, and do the hundreds of other things that need to be done. Worse, the colors they selected have more in common with sugary kids drinks than a clean office environment (pea-soup green, light purple and...orange).

There are benefits, however: For one, I don't need to work out- my body is getting strengthened by moving things that are far too heavy for me to lift. I feel like I'm in one of those ridiculous Strongman contests: you just tell me where to put the giant ball of solid iron and I'm on it. At this rate I'll be winning Mr. Olympia by March.

Another advantage I now possess is the complete lack of fingerprints. Constant rubbing has sanded them off, so I'm free to commit crimes that involve glass cases and things like that.

So, having been home for about 45 minutes, it's time to get to bed, for another day of forced labor. Maybe I'll invite God to help. Or maybe Bob- he's got a truck.