All Hallows Eve

I've been gone. Well, not so much gone as busy as hell with buying and selling real estate. One stinking house is enough to reduce me to tears and occupy my life completely. I don't know how Trump does it; okay I do- he hires people on TV to do work for him. If I could convince people to engage in a cutthroat competition for my benefit, I would, but alas not even UPN has called.

Coming up at an alarming rate is the single most important holiday that any nation in the world celebrates. I speak, of course, of Halloween; where most of the country lets it's hair down and dresses up and gets drunk or goes and begs for candy, depending on your age and the availability of fake identification. There are those people who believe that Halloween will lead our children into witchcraft and Devil worship. Those people are idiots, because sane people realize that witchcraft is reserved for people who got kicked out of the Society for Creative Anachronism for being too dorky, and Devil worshippers are only doing it to bag others with low self-esteem. Also, there's no such thing as magic.

I have consternation, however, because I have not yet chosen a costume. I have been, in reverse chronological order: a punk rock chick, a pirate, a ww2 soldier, a knight and a sea captain. Prior to that, I was in college, and can't remember what costumes I had. I do remember a couple from childhood, though. I was the Greatest American Hero, for some reason as a young child. Another year I lovingly spent hours cutting and wrapping foam padding with grey duct tape and creating a knight costume, complete with helmet- it also nearly suffocated me, so that was fun. What to do this year? Ron Burgundy, from Anchorman? A pirate (again)? The Black Knight? The options are endless.

And therein lies the fun of the holiday- getting to be something you're not, for just a night. While in theory I could dress like the Little Mermaid on a Tuesday, say, and go to work, at some point someone would say something. At best they would exchange furtive glances with each other. I would be a fan of a change to that societal restriction. If President Bush came out in a Batman costume, I would have a more positive opinion of him (not to mention making debates more interesting). The evening news could be presented by Zorro with weather by Strawberry Shortcake. It could even help people who have trouble with their wardrobe: every day is a good day to be a Ghostbuster.

If that happened, though, I would be sad: The thing that makes Halloween so special would be gone. If you had seen twelve Supermans and seventeen Smurfs every day for a year, it would have less impact. And eventually you would run out of ideas, as well as closet space.

No, I approve of keeping Halloween as it is, but perhaps we can schedule a few more scattered throughout the year. I know that right around February I'm feeling the itch to wear some tights and a cape. But perhaps that's too much information.