Your dessert & beverage guide

While my lovely bride and I were gallavanting around town today, we somehow got on the subject of chocolate.

Before I continue, let me explain something about relationships, since I am an unabashed expert on the subject, or at least I can fake it, since I tricked the woman who is currently singing to the cat into unbreakable vows before the Lord. The first stage of a relationship is the Dating stage- generally, money is exchanged for fancy meals and shows in a bizarre ritual, while each partner only shows the facets of their personality that are guaranteed not to immediately frighten the other away. This means that if you are showing your date your complete collection of Star Trek novels, you are showing too much.

The second stage of the relationship is the Normalization stage- often indistinguishable from the Dating stage at first, this stage is the riskiest. Slowly and carefully, you must drop hints at the fact that yes, you do occassionally play a game online where you are a scantily clad elf, and yes, you do get that right-wing newsletter. For the female, like a bird you will create a nest of hair and skin products that live in the male's bathroom. Don't worry, they will soon have a will of their own and expand- facial cleanser will beget exfoliator, which in turn will give way to decorative soaps and hand towels.

If both parties survive, they will get to stage 3, which is the Glorious Relationship. This stage may include marriage, a host of shrieking, drooling babies, thinning hair, increased weight, bloating, hot flashes, cold flashes, lukewarm flashes and/or pepperoni. This is the ideal state for a relationship to be in, and don't let those liars from Stage 2.5"Kinky Sex" tell you otherwise.

So, after that long aside, we have determined the following desserts must be served with the following beverages. A list:

Fruit-based candies: We agreed that these required some sort of cola. A lemon-lime soda would only mask the otherwise delectable flavor of your Starburst, or, if you prefer, Mamba (a note on Mamba: it is a risky thing to purchase one of these, as you only get 3 of the 4 available flavors in a single pack, and you may be saddled with the horror of the raspberry flavor)

Cakes, pies, cookies: Milk or coffee is your preferred beverage. You may substite with cocoa, but be careful- chocolate and fruit pies are a dangerous combination

Dark chocolate: Ice cold milk is our choice here. The reasons should be obvious. If they are not, then just suffice it to say that they taste good together.

Milk chocolate: We nearly came to blows over this choice. Many words were exchanged between us, because my wife felt that milk is also a good choice here, while I dissented, saying that milk was, in fact, contributing to an excess of milk. My tenative choice was cocoa, with coffee available as well. In the end, we agreed that milk is sufficient, but only with the stipulation that it be ice cold. In other words, I rolled over.

As general agreements, we decided that a sugary food item usually indicates that a soft drink should not be imbibed, while salty items almost necessitated a cold soda. I think my wife also mentioned something about a soda IV, but I don't know what she was talking about.

To summarize, my wife and I are insane and talk about nothing of import. But at least we take our ridiculousness seriously.