Obligatory Christmas Post

It's 7 am and we're about to make the Christmas marathon- upon awaking we're rushing into the shower (my wife gets the first shift there, given that she takes 5 times as long to get ready), then off to her mom's house for an early morning gift exchange- then we take the hour trek up to my parent's place for some more of the same, and, where we have been warned that if we don't bring a spatula, cinnamon and vanilla, Christmas breakfast will be ruined, for apparently Santa did not bring my folks the ingredients for french toast.

Anyways, hope your Christmas is a safe and fun one. Or, if you're not Christian, hope you enjoy whatever movie you're going to see.

Tagged

I was tagged, so without ado (well, a little ado), here are the questions and answers:

1. What did you do in 2005 that you hadn't done before?
I went on a trip with 10 of my friends to Las Vegas. While fun, I believe that I should endeavor to keep my friendships, and thus never ever go on a trip with that many people again.

2. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My friend's wife. A second little girl, the poor saps. Not that there's anything wrong with having two girls, mind you- but the thought that a man must lose two precious gifts to some strange men at some point in the future- it's enough to break someone.

3. Did anyone close to you die?
Fortunately, no.

4. Did you travel? Where did you go? Best holiday memory?
Travel, quite necessarily, is required for my person. There was no great trip this year, I don't think. I did travel, however- Las Vegas, Hawaii, camping on the beach, and others. The decompression offered by even a slight sojurn is always welcome.

5. Best thing you bought?
A house. I was hoping to save enough for a moat and some battlements, but alas, it was not to be.

6. Where did most of your money go?
See above. Not only my money, but the money of some poor bank.

7. What do you wish you had done more of?
I could not slake my desire to travel, I think, no matter how much I would want. Writing, certainly, practicing guitar, wanton acts of carnality, reading, exercise.

8. What do you wish you had done less of?
For lack of a better term, "dicking around" on the computer. Ok, there's far better terms, but I wanted to giggle at the term "dicking"

9. What kept you sane?
Normal brain chemistry? The aforementioned useless computer use, while useless, helped keep me from commiting 7 felonies (12 in Tenessee).

10. What drove you mad?
The amount of paperwork required to purchase a house completely explains deforestation.

11. What made you celebrate?
I need a reason?

12. What made you sad?
Things that, despite my superpowers, I cannot prevent. It's time for some new superpowers. I mean, talking to marine life? What the hell is that?

13. How was your birthday this year?
It hasn't yet occurred: however, I can only assume what will happen:

Upon arriving home, I will be greeted to a completely clean and furnished house with far more expensive and alluring decor than I left it with. My friends and family, too numerous to count, will bow and pay homage to me, and sing songs and make speeches about my kind, generous, and above all, humble nature. The finest delicacies and concoctions will be available for my palate's amusement, and the cake will be wheeled out by two Playboy centerfolds, and two more will burst from the cake. After all have eaten and drank their fill, the dream-fulfilling gifts will be presented to me, each wrapped with the utmost care. Finally,all will retire home, except the Playboy centerfolds, who will stay to clean up. Meanwhile, my wife and I will spend the night awake and active, if you know what I mean. If not, I mean sex.

I trust I will not be disappointed.

14. What political issue stirred you the most this year?
I could start a political blog, but then I would just be aping everyone else, and that's lame. Let me just say that I was rooting for Bud Light in the Bud Bowl.

15. Were you in love in 2005?
Yes, except for those 3 days in March when I was comatose.

16. What would you like to have in 2006 that you didn't have this year?
A pirate ship crewed by the damned, or alternatively, waterproof, animatronic robots.

17. What date from 2005 will be etched in your memory and why?
December 13, 2005, the day I wrote this blog.

18. What song will remind you of 2005?
Well, since I'm listening to D'Oyly Carte Opera's version of H.M.S. Penafore, "Sir Joseph Porter's Song", I'll say that.

Now landsmen all, whoever you may be,
If you want to rise to the top of the tree,
If your soul isn't fettered to an office stool,
Be careful to be guided by this golden rule
Stick close to your desks and never go to sea,
And you all may be rulers of the Queen's Navee!

19. Compared to this time last year are you happier?
I'm always happy. It's what I do.

20. Biggest achievement this year?
I guess the house thing, but only until I become limber enough to put my head between my legs.

21. Biggest disappointment this year?
Not bending everyone to my indomitable will.

22. What is the one thing that would have made you more satisfied?
Nothing really- winning the lottery or having a rich and distant relative kick the bucket and leave me a handsome inheritance because I was the only one who didn't comment on that thing on his face.

23. Best new person you met this year?
My friend's new daughter, although, to be honest, she has kind of been a sack of flesh the few times I've seen her. I would estimate her personality will develop soon.

24. A valuable life lesson you learnt this year?
If you make it look as though you're supposed to be somewhere, even if you're not, nine times out of ten, nobody will question you.

Older than I've ever been

I don't feel old. That statement is a defiant one, totally reckless in the face of all studies that indicate that time is indeed passing. Well, I say "screw time", which is happily enough what I say when I want to get a little action from my wife, the difference only being where you place the emphasis. Actually, I think if I walked in the door and my wife was watching "Will and Grace" and I announced in my most regal voice, "Screw Time" while dropping my pants, she would die of uncontrollable laughter. So I should try that and see.

The subject of age only comes up because I'm 10 days away from my birthday, and immediately before we increment that number of years we realize that we have aged. Or at least I do. I'm generally not too focused on it- Hell, if I'm caught off-guard at a liquor store when they ask for ID, I say, "I'm 21" which is a lie and a falsehood- I was 21 years ago, but it's at that age that we inherit the last of our age-based perks until we're 55 and can get cheap, greasy eggs at Denny's.

I bear few scars of age, aside from some little wrinkles around my eyes that my wife enjoys pointing out. I've managed to avoid the most dreaded malady that could afflict a man of my age: a receding hairline. Once, when I was young, I thought it would be funny to shave my head so it looked like I was balding and to garner the sympathy of passers-by who would naturally assume I had some rare affliction, but I never had the guts to go through with it. Hopefully I have a son someday who I can force into it.

So. 28 years old. What does that mean? Well, I keep waiting for a van to show up on my birthday to take me to some government-run center that educates me on the true reality of life along with a warning that if I ever tell anyone, my life is forfeit, but apart from that, not much. Some presents, along with my satisfaction in telling people that I was due to be born Christmas day, as if that somehow links me with Jesus because we share the same birthday. As a child, being born before Christmas is a boon- most parents don't want to deprive their kids of the experience of a birthday party, so you make out like a bandit. Add in that my mother's side is Jewish and my father's side was some variant of Protestant and I had the gift-getting trifecta of Christmas, Hanukkah and birthday. It's too bad Kwanzaa didn't exit back then, or I could have tried to figure some angle to get in on that. Once you start to get older, your birthday is quickly overshadowed by that Jesus guy. You start wondering what you have to do to get some attention: then you remember, oh yes, die for the sins of all mankind. Ok, I'll pass, he can have the pine trees. I wonder if Jesus is remembered among the pine trees as an evil figure, since his birth leads to thousands being cut down every year. I digress.

As we were discussing: 28. In German, it's pronounced achtundzwanzig, which sounds really cool and angry but still could use some umlauts. Heck, "fluffy bunnies" in German translates to "flaumige Häschen", which also sounds threatening if you say it in an angry voice, which is the only kind I expect Germans to have. But perhaps I've seen too many WW2 movies.

Some people say that age is a state of mind. Those people are fools- can't they see old people hobbling around and running over people in their wheelchairs and doing inane things like buying their grandchildren slippers every year for Christmas? No, there is some credence to age. It's here so that when we do something stupid we can tell ourselves "What do you think you are, 18?"; unless you're 18, in which you're likely telling yourself "Boobies! boobies! boobies!". That said, I feel the same as I did when I was 21, which makes me happy. I still can eat a large pizza in one sitting, and do the same things I did when I was younger.

Of course, my hearing isn't what it used to be, and my trick hip is acting up and I can't seem to recall the name of that young whipper-snapper down at the corner store who sassed me. When I was a kid, you couldn't have gotten away with that; no sir...