The adventures of Tom "Tarbeard" Flint, part 1.

Note- we received this dispatch by messenger parrot. Given the blood, tobacco and unidentifiable stains on the parchement, we thought it best to publish it. Milk-TSK will return later. -Ed

The first rule of pirate captaining is to get yerself a crew. The second rule is to make sure that crew is foul, malodourous, vile, able seamen (if necessary), gangrenous, scurrilous and, if possible, scurvy-laden. The third rule, which is optional, is to kill that crew, slowly, so's they don'ts rise against ye. Insurance, ye see.

I made me way to the Pitch Adder, a dank den of iniquity where only the evilist and most loathsome creatures of humanity dwelt. I put me hand on the door, but it was locked. Apparently, the bloody place had received a "D" on their health inspection, so's they were shut down by the authorities. Bloody bastards: It's as if you couldn't even have a cook with bad hygiene anymores.

No matter: Portsmouth still had plenty of other wretched dives where the living envied the dead. I made mine way to each and e'ry one of them- The Pickled Pig was closed to remodel their bathroom; The Merry Wombat was now a clean coffee house, and nary a buccaneer to be found inside; The Queen's Knickers was simply gone. I meself had been gone far too long if this was the direction of the wind.

Nearly having given up, I entered the closest shop, knowing as I did that this town was a haven for rogues and scoundrels- those scalawags must be somewhere . Apparently, this was some kind of government shop, fer the workers all wore the same uniform. I felt some trepidation, fearin' a trap, but the young lad behind the counter seemed all right.

"What can I get for you, sir?" he asked me, cheerily.
"Lad, ye must be helping me!" I exclaimed, "Where be the sordid lot of Portsmouth? The dark and undignified lot that used to lurk in dark corners in the night!"
"Do you mean the disco dancers? They haven't been here in ages, sir."
"Bah! Nay, ye daft numbskull! Whar are the corsairs? The treasure-seeking seamen, by thunder!? Whar... are the pirates!?"
He looked uncertain. "Let me get my manager."

I ran him through. Had no other choice, as ye can see. And off I trudged into the night, desperately continuing my search fer a brave and loyal crew.