Saturday, July 30, 2005

A mini-blog and the indefatigable top ten list

First of all: I have been tagged by the wonderful ChickyBabe. Thus, following this little entry, you will get my top ten turn-ons and turn-offs. I'll stick to the PG rated stuff, because my wife reads this and she would never stop slapping me for some of the things I would list.

This mini-blog is about cookies. I made cookies from scratch tonight, and it made me realize something: I'm a pretty terrible cook when it comes to some things. I put the dry ingredients in a big bowl and the wet ingredients in a smaller bowl, and it was a whole juggling event to mix the dry into the wet. So there's that. Regardless, the cookies came out well- I didn't realize how much sugar was in those things! So, no eating too many of them, or I will have to do 100 push-ups with a small walrus on my back to burn the calories. Alternatively, a hippo will do.

So, here's my top ten lists: enjoy, and don't take them too seriously.

Mahd's 10 Family Friendly Turn-Ons

10. Outgoing Personality- I don't ask for much, just some eye contact and an opinion every so often. You're alive, don't act as though you're sorry for it.

9. The Eyes, Oh God the Eyes- If you're going to give me eye contact, it's nice if you aren't squinting at me.

8. Be a dork- I am a nerd. I revel in and enjoy this fact. If you are not, in fact, a nerd then that's still ok. Just be aware that I like a lot of the same stuff that your 12-year-old cousin does.

7. The Brain- I don't expect you to share my interest in pre-Civil War Southern Society. I would be a little worried if you did. Just have something interesting to say, even if it's about hair and styling products. I can go along with you on that

6. The Mountains- I love them. I need one of those long horn things that the Ricola guys blow, and also to live in the mountains. I will be the horn-blowing guy warning all travellers to the Swiss Alps that minor throat irritation can be easily cured with a pectin drop, and you will be my wife. Accept it, and let's move on.

5. Pirates!- Pretty self explanatory. Just the sight of the Jolly Roger gives me a tingle in my groin. And now I've said too much.

4. Backrubs- I like to give them, and I like to receive them. If my research is to be believed, they also lead to sex with the porn star whose TV I came over to repair. And by "research", I mean I watched some porn.

3. Enjoying a silent moment together- Sometimes, words are not necessary to explain the beauty of the moment that you share with someone. And sometimes, you just want them to close their goddamned mouth for a moment.

2. Sense of Humor- I'm not asking you to laugh at every thing I say; I just want you to admit that I am the funniest person who ever has lived or ever will. I think that's reasonable.

1. The Waking- I love opening my eyes and seeing the face of the person who I'm in desperate, mad love with sleeping peacefully, and knowing that every morning that I wake, she will be there. Also, knowing that I can play with her boobs for a few seconds before she'll wake up and start hitting me.

Mahd's 10 Family Friendly Turn-Offs

10. Hair where there should be none- I get it: you're a natural girl. Well, lady, you've naturally got a moustache thicker than my Uncle Luigi. Get the tweezers, please. And please, get the nose hair, too. It's long enough to braid.

9. "Friends"- No, not the TV show. I'm talking about anyone else you know. Now that you've met me, it's time to cut them off: I will provide you with everything you need as I keep you locked in our room and stroke your pretty, pretty hair.

8. Superiority Complex- Although I enjoy you telling me how much better you are than other people, I do have to say that you're coming off a little conceited. So maybe stop throwing trash at that homeless person.

7. Your kooky agenda- You say that Bush in being controlled by aliens? That men all need breasts so they can feel the pain women go through? That we should cut down all the trees to show those Commies? That we should murder people who cut down any trees? Let me just say I wholeheartedly agree with you, and I now have a restraining order against you.

6. That coat hanging on the door that looks like a murderer in the darkened room- I could have sworn it looked just like some crazy dude with a hatchet.

5. Con-men- Your sweaty demeanor certainly makes me want to buy a car/house/burial plot from you. And that bright red suit is only helping your case.

4. That joke you've said for the last 1o years- Yeah, that was good the first time. I regret laughing at it, though, because it encouraged you.

3. Helping the poor and helpless- Just kidding; I'm not a horrible monster!

2. Drug use- It's not "expanding your mind." You're not "experimenting". You are trying to justify stupid behavior that you should have grown out of a long time ago. What did the 80's teach us if not that, while anti-drug ads are dumb, addicts are pathetic.

1. Lie to me without skill- If you're going to put yourself on the line with a lie, please make it a believeable one. And don't exaggerate too much- that will just blow you out of the water.

That's it for me. I will tag Incoherent Proposal, just because.


At 3:26 AM, Blogger Clokeeeey! said...

Interesting list.
But you forgot that smoking is a turn off.

At 11:14 PM, Blogger ChickyBabe said...

Cool! You have a wicked sense of humour, Mahd :). I thoroughly enjoyed reading your lists.

Thanks for playing :).

At 6:40 AM, Blogger chica bonita said...

you're the second person i read who enjoys a moment of silent. and yes, i dislike people who think they're more superior than others. but then again, there is always a little egoism in us isn't it? ;-)

At 6:42 AM, Blogger chica bonita said...

err i meant a silent moment, not a moment of silent.

ah...the complexity of words.

At 9:34 AM, Blogger Mahd said...

The difference is that you may be better at things, but that doesn't necessarily make you a better person. I may know how to fix a computer, but it doesn't mean I fart sunshine and poop rainbows.

At 6:27 PM, Blogger Incoherent Proposal said...

I was thinking of just relabling your lists and switching them, but that might have been taken as being a jerk or something.

I would definitely prefer a poor liar, though.

At 6:21 PM, Blogger Knows It All said...

Dude, my favorite post from you yet. When you depart for the mountain tops, equipped with horn and wife, I will braid my hair and come pay a visit. I will not bring drugs, tired old jokes, or scary jackets to hang on your door. I come for cookies and pirate stories. In exchange, I will bring you all some chocolate milk mix, since I think the mountains will be in scarce supply.


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