Holidays- The Horrible Truth

It's that time of year- overeating, overdrinking, oversleeping and pretty much overdoing everything that's bad for you. Yes, the holiday season is upon us in all of it's fury and we are once again caught up in it's throes. In America, the holidays are like a kettle that's placed upon an ever-increasing flame starting at Thanksgiving, brought to a whistling boil at Christmas and allowed to percolate through the new year, at which point the kettle is hurled out the window.

It all begins with the after-Thanksgiving sales: after our yearly worship of gluttony, companies prod you to indulge your lavish side on crappy gifts that the people you're buying them for probably don't even need or want. Does your Aunt really need another pair of slippers? Are you sure your nephew wants an E-Z-Bake oven? It doesn't matter: they're on sale, and so you will buy them. We stress over gifts for a month, worrying that we're getting the perfect thing for someone when in actuality they'll stuff it in a closet for a year before they pass it on or they return it (but only for store credit!).

If you don't celebrate Christmas, there's still room for you in the gift-buying season. It doesn't matter if you're Jewish or you worship an obscure Norse pantheon; somewhere, someone is having a "pre-Ragnarok" sale. It's not as if Christmas is a religious holiday; not really, anymore. Oh sure, there will be someone who puts out a "Jesus is the reason for the season" bumper sticker: that person will then take the proceeds from the sales of those and put them towards XBoxes and soft cardigan sweaters.

The tumult continues unabated for a month, everyone swept up as if in a rolling ball of pure consumerism that rolls into a mall, rumbles around, and then rolls out covered in gift cards. Not that you have to endure the people who are semi-decent to each other in the spirit of the season: You can avoid all of the cheery decorations by ordering your gifts online.

Then, on December 24th, all is quiet. The dust settles in empty shopping malls. NORAD tracks "Santa", which is actually just a spy satellite decorated with a little tinsel. All is calm, except for those parents who attempt to deceive their children about Mr. Klaus by wrapping and assembling all of their presents the night before.

Then, the shutters fly open and a man yells out to the Cockney lad, "What day is it?" and he shifts his weight from one patchworn shoe to the other and yells back "Whoy eet's Christmas daye!" The children run downstairs, tumbling over each other and ignoring their fracture wounds to get to the tree to open the toys that will be obsolete by the next year. Tired parents torture their kids by making them wait until after breakfast to open the shiny, shiny gifts. Then, it's time for all to enjoy their ill-gotten goods. Look, it's a Galgatron for Jimmy! Oh, he wanted the Galgatron X with the extreme lasers. And Sally gets a gift card to an office supply store because she didn't make a Christmas list. Dad gets a handmade card from his kids, which is plenty of recompense for the loads of debt he went into this season, and mom gets another sweater that doesn't fit. Grandma and Grandpa are oohing and aahing over the gifts and are just happy to be included, even though nobody got them anything or even really acknowledge their existence. Then, it's a huge meal and everyone hurries off to their individual rooms to enjoy their gifts without the others annoying them.

This may sound a little...bitter, perhaps? Maybe, but isn't that what the season is all about- anger and frustration? Okay, perhaps not, but I'm trying to end on an upbeat note:

How about the fact that many people celebrate not only the commercial side of Christmas, but also genuinely care for their families and look at the holidays as a time to come together?

How about snow? Everyone loves snow who doesn't have to deal with shoveling it.

Eggnog made with a little too much rum so that Uncle Gene tells you about that hooker he picked up? Dazzling strings of lights that urge you to convert or be roasted in the flames of Hell forever? Families going a-caroling in period garb and then asking for something called "figgy pudding" which sounds a bit lewd? That one Chinese food place that's the only place open on Christmas day?

How about the saddest Christmas tree ever? How about that, Charlie Brown?

Advice to bloggers

I am, I realize, the paragon of blogging reliability, apart from an unannounced 5-month hiatus that was punctuated by my wife stating that I hadn't updated the blog in x number of days. Then she would shake her head sadly and only by focusing really hard on whatever unconstructive activity I was doing was I able to squelch the Voices of Guilt in my head, who not surprisingly sound like my mother. After all, how could I let down my legions of fans who depended on this blog for a daily laugh?

Then I remembered, there are no legions; at least, if there are, they are fans of the hilarious Milk- Delicious Cow Mammary Fluids blog which I am not associated with. (Not since the...unpleasantness).

Regardless of where I've been or who I've been doing, I am back now with the intent of producing the finest blog-based content available. To that end, I am now drawing upon my vast experience of something like 20 blogs in 3 years. With those kind of credentials, I should write a book: because I am lazy, I will bullet point a few things I have learned.

• Blogging is hard to do on a daily basis- Even if you discount the fact that you need an idea every day, the day-to-day struggles of life make it difficult. With fine television comedies and dramas and many delicious chocolately options available, as well as a marked improvement in sofa "cushiness", I predict blogging will slowly die out over the next 2-4 months. Please note that I also predicted that 60's styles would be making a comeback this year. On an unrelated topic, if you know anyone that wants to buy a tie-die machine, message me.
• No matter what you blog about, you will gravely insult one of the major world religions. With this bullet point, I have offended them all.
• Advertising your blog is a useless endeavor- you are only advertising to spammers who will fill your comments with things like "I really agree with you on the subject of plush toys vs. rubber ones. If you would like to know more about my blog about great stock tips, visit me!" The best way to advertise your blog is to pretend that you are someone famous, like George Bush, Ralph Waldo Emerson, or the lead singer of Led Zepplin. As long as you sound like them from time to time, nobody will ever know that you're not them. (Examples: "The Axis of Evil, nucular", "She's buying a stairway to heaven", "Hey, I'm all philosophical up in here, because I am Ralph Waldo Emerson")
• If you can't write a lot of words, at least have a lot of links to Myspace profiles, web cartoons, and YouTube videos. Note: People may not return to your blog if you link them other places, especially if those other places have free porn. Because, hey, free porn.
• Updating consistently and reliably is the best way to cultivate a thriving community discussion on your blog. Moving on....
• A political blog is a great way to get loudmouth jerks to argue endlessly in your comment section. They are drawn to such discussions like snakes to a Snake Attractor 2000. To have fun with them, vehemently argue one side, then the other. This will confuse them long enough for you to delete all of their comments.
• Beautiful backgrounds and pictures will really spice up your blog and make it more attractive to people. If your blog does not take at least 1o minutes to load, add more dancing hamsters.
• If nobody is commenting on your posts, feel free to create multiple accounts and post on your own blog. Eventually, you will create an entire world of fake characters, and your skewed sense of reality will warp what is true with your deceitful creations, utterly destroying everything you are. On second thought, do not do this.
• Blogging will ultimately lead you a more fulfilled person with a large group of friends from around the world who will want to sleep on your couch when they come in from out of town.

There you go. There's probably more there, somewhere, but frankly, it's going to take a large book advance (or lack of blog topic) to get it out of me.