Mahd's Guide to the World, Part 9: North Africa

Sorry for the lack of updates: we're busy preparing for a housewarming party, which of course means that we're taking care of the 2,183 things we've been putting off since we moved in. In the course of our preparations, I am now a certified woodworker and electrician, and I would be a painter too, if I had any ability in that arena.

North Africa is a series of nations that border the Mediterranean Ocean. They are few in number, which makes them perfect for me to use them as a cop-out for a larger section of the world. The entire area is most famous for being the battleground in which German forces battled the Allies for control of Middle Eastern oil. Fortunately, since then, nobody has ever fought wars over the control of that resource.

Egypt

When you talk about places like Egypt, it's kind of strange to imagine people living there today. It was one of the first great civilizations of the world, but it's hard not to imagine people riding around in chariots and wearing funky eye makeup when you think of the place. Regardless, the country is home to many grand and spectacular and crumbling structures. The latter is not criticism- I can't buy a wristwatch that lasts more than 5 years anymore. The pyramids have been around for a few thousand. That's quality craftsmanship you don't find anymore.

Egypt could be considered part of the Middle East, as it does occassionally threaten Israel which is apparently requisite for being in that club. But for the most part, they disassociate themselves from that group of ragamuffins and try to put on a more civilized face.

Egypt is usually paired with the Nile river, which is it's lifeblood. One interesting thing I discovered: Don't go in the Nile river. Well, go in if you want malaria or yellow fever or some scary worm-based disease called bilharzia.

In general, Egypt is a great place to go- you are relatively well protected from being killed by murderous sociopaths, so long as you stay inside the air-conditioned tour bus and never, ever make eye contact with anyone.

Libya

Oh, Libya. You used to be a real bad guy. In the 1980's, apart from the Soviets you were one of the great menaces of our time. We even bombed you, to show how much we actually thought of you.

Today, you are barely on our radar screen. Like Northern Ireland or New York, people can say they went to your country and the yokels back home will be amazed that you made it back home alive. But Libya has become a reformed schoolboy- Gaddafi may still be a ruthless dictator, but he's trying to make amends. Look at his face: how can you stay mad at that face?

Most of the cities in Libya are along the coast, which makes sense since the rest of the country is a barren, trackless part of the Sahara where people are swallowed alive by the swirling sands. The one city in the area is called "Al Jawf", which roughly translates to "Damn there's a lot of sand here". Despite this, no sand castle building competitions have been held there.

Tunisia

Tunisia is a small country by the standards of the other North African nations. Much has happened here, though. It is thought to be the homeland of Carthage, a great trading nation before the Romans came and sewed the ground with salt. That may seem harsh, but it's what the Romans do- they stop by, have a drink, defile the land so nothing may ever grow there again, say their good-day and move on.

Parts of the movie Star Wars were filmed here. Travellers expecting to find unique collectables to sell on eBay will undoubtedly be let down, but you can probably fake something- those dorks will buy anything.

Like most of the countries lying on the Mediterranean, the seaside-dwelling people live in a beautiful climate full of well-manicured tourists and lounging. More inland, you can find all the people who do the real work, as well as all the ruins and culture. But screw that, the seaside has waiters who will bring you icy drinks, so stay away from the interior.

Algeria

Let us be clear- the civil war is over. The country is secure. As long as you stay out of the southwest and northeast of the country, you'll be fine. Oh, and avoid the northwest. And southeast. And you really shouldn't stay too long in the center of the nation; that would be a mistake.

It's not as if this danger is new to the area. The region was once known as the Barbary Coast, and was full of pirates who liked to enslave people, but generally Christians. Once the French came in, it didn't so much quiet things down as give them a target to focus on. Finally, the nation was granted independence and could have peace. Or not. Let's just wrap up this whole discussion by dispensing with the normal coups, revolutions and civil wars and get to the present, where an uneasy peace exists between factions.

Truly, this is a traveller's paradise.

Morocco

Morocco is one of the friendliest of the North African countries- by friendly I mean that they are happy to take your money. These people learned long ago that they are strange and unfamiliar to most European and American travellers, and so can extort them gleefully.

The nation boasts amazing advances, such as "tolerance for women" and "protecting children". That's pretty impressive for a monarchy, when most of them are more concerned with how to gild the rest of their immense palaces.

The best way to get to Morocco is to travel to Gibraltar, then take a big running jump off into the ocean. Your pants might get wet, but in a few minutes, you'll be in Tangiers. Alternatively, you can hang glide across.

The only way to leave the country is by rushing out to a waiting plane, where you shoot someone dead before taking off to the sounds of La Marseillaise...

Names for babies

Let me first say: I'm not pregnant. My wife is not pregnant either- I made sure by jabbing her in the stomach a few times. Despite this, the topic of baby names occassionally arises, for when we want to bring a yowling little monkey into the world. Below are some of my preferred names for children, as well as some guidelines

Names for boys

There is one rule for boys names, and that is that you should name a boy for the deadliest thing you can imagine, which is why there are so many boys out there named "Electricshark". Boys must have a name that indicates brutality, otherwise they will be destroyed by other boys with much more harmful names. With this in mind, here are a few naming conventions:

Medieval Weaponry- Good:Dirk, Dagger, Claymore, Mace, Catapault. Bad: Cat-o-nine-tails, Mancatcher, Plowshare

Large geological formations- Good: Slate, Rock, Stone, Flint, Mountain, Stalactite. Bad: Limestone, Sand, Stalagmite

States- Good: Texas, Arizona, Utah, Dakota. Bad: Rhode Island, Delaware, Florida, Puerto Rico (just you wait)

Biblical names- Good: Moses, Jesus, Saint Antigone of Palaparnassus. Bad: John, Pope Pious, Hezjebejiah

Animal names- Good: Snake, Raven, Wolf, Jaguar Bad: Sloth, Water Buffalo, Turkey, South American Cottontailed Hare

Names for Girls

Girls have a number of rules for names. First, the name you give them must never also be the name of the stripper or hooker you saw the night before the child was conceived. Secondly, the name you give them must indicate their purity, which they will toss away in the back of some 16-year old's 1984 Honda Civic. Finally, a girl's name should be the name of some obscure relative who they will never see or care about- this will annoy them. Some sample names:

Month names- Good: May, June, April, April 15th Bad: September, October, January, March

Flower/Tree names- Good: Ivy, Rose, Willow Bad: Flytrap, Stinkflower

Old Lady names- Good: Ethel, Mildred, Wilma Bad: Delilah, Elly Maye Sue, That old bag

Creature/Animal names- Good: Angel, Bunny, Fawn, Unicorn Bad: Baelzebub the Lord of Lies, Bitch

Names with i's and y's in strange places- Good: Traci, Joni, Myra Bad: Janyce, Luci, Brytani, Iiiyyii


The moral of the story here is, choose a name that fits your child. If she's born in a trailer in the South, just save her the trouble of changing her name for porn later in life and name her "Busty". If he goes to a private school in a rich part of London, just name him "Lord Autumnbottom". And if you catch him dressing in his mother's clothes, you might as well call him something obsequious, like "Jody" or "Chris". Most importantly, choose a name that he can hate forever, like "Apple" or "Troutfishinginamerica" or "Scotty". If you do this, he might run away, and you will be free to spend his college fund on a new spa.

Experience the experience!

As modern people of the world, we are privy to many things that people of past generations did not encounter. 24 hour news channels bring instant coverage of all events, and anything else can pretty much be found on the Internet. But my belief is that there is a difference between watching something and actually having it happen to you. And that's where the ferris wheel of death comes in.

The ferris wheel of death is, in my estimation, the most horrific scenario imaginable. Think, if you will, of a innocuous roadside carnival with the requisite clowns, carnies and food stands that sell deep-fried foods of questionable origin. In general, these carnivals have a multitude of creaky, unlicensed rides operated by people whose qualifications are nonexistent. Let's say one of these rides is a ferris wheel. A traditional ride, not too fast, whose main virtue is that when one reaches the summit of the calliope-music-playing monstrosity, one has a slightly better view than if standing on the ground.

Imagine now, that for some reason the ferris wheel's turning slowly starts accelerating along with the music. The operator is hopeless: all he knows how to do is press the "start" and "stop" buttons, as well as leering at young girls in a creepy manner. The passengers begin to get a sense of the trouble and start yelling for help, which causes the crowd below to stop and gape at the scene. Finally, with a wrenching groan, the wheel bursts free of it's moorings with a sickening shriek of twisted metal.

One rash youth attempts to jump off of the wheel, but to no avail. Two teenagers who thought the best way to sneak away from their parents to make out was on the tallest structure at the carnival are yelling now, and the old man who wanted to ride the old wheel one last time is getting his wish. Bodies are flying everywhere as the unstoppable wheel cuts a swath through the fair, and then the countryside, crushing anything unfortunate to be caught beneath it. Finally, it's instability and slowing pace cause it to fall on it's side, where it bursts into flame.

Truly a gruesome story. But let's examine how it would be conveyed to you in different ways:

3rd person account:
"Well, I was at the deep-fried lettuce stand when I heard this big ol' snapping sound. Damnedest thing I ever seen: the whole contraption just broke off the stand and started rolling around. You know, I hear that old man Donaldson was just real quiet that whole time, like he knew this was it for him- he knew he was gonna get taken out by a ferris wheel, just like his daddy before him. And that lil' Rebecca Stone? I hear tell they found parts of her everywhere; the corn dog stand, the twinkie stand....everywhere. Damned shame, damned shame."

1st person account:
"Yes, I was on that ferris wheel. I was the only survivor, though I lost both legs and part of my scalp. I don't remember much, though. There was that terrible calliope music, of course, so I couldn't hear the ride come loose. I heard people screaming, but I thought they were just riding the tilt-o-whirl, or possibly eating the deep-fried ice cream. Anyways, the whole thing rolled for a while, then we fell over. Did I mention that my new legs are made of tungsten?"

News account:
"12 people died today at a Duscaloosa County fair when a ferris wheel apparently broke free from it's moorings and rolled through the countryside. Channel 5 news was there after the accident with correspondent Trisha Yakamada."
*cut to well-manicured ethnic correspondent with ride operator*
Reporter- "What did you see?"
Operator-"Wells, I were watching the ride real close, you know, to make sure nothing went wrong. Then it just kind of broke free and I hit that "stop" button, but it was too late."
Reporter- "Chilling. Tom?"
*cut back to well-manicured white male anchor*
"Thanks Trish. Channel 5 news spoke with the owner of the Podunk travelling fair and he assured us that safety is his number one concern and he will be investigating the manner fully. Speaking of rolling wheels of death, a new donut factory..."

Internet account
*Shaky, blurry camcorder video of the ferris wheel breaking loose*
+10 minutes *Shaky, blurry camcorder video of the ferris wheel breaking loose with emotional music interspersed with quotes from bystanders*
+20 minutes *Shaky, blurry camcorder video with either Bubb Rubb, lightsaber effects or horrible techno music added*
+1 day *Shaky, blurry camcorder video sped up with Limp Bizkit's "Rollin" playing*
+2 days *Shaky, blurry camcorder video sped up and "Yakety sax" music playing*
+4 days *Every goddamned person you know talking about the stupid yakety sax version*
+7-8 days *Video disappears from Internet completely*

Personal account
"Boy this ferris wheel sure is fun. I can see the deep-fried candy bar stand from here!"
*creaking, breaking noise*
"Oh no! Stop the ride! No, nooooo!"
"SHIT!SHIT!SHIT!SHIT!SHIT!" (repeat ad nauseum)

So, as you can see, perspective definitely skews how we view a situation. Also, don't ride ferris wheels, because this is bound to happen some day.