Friday, July 16, 2004

Lingering in the icy hand of Thanatos, waiting for the sweet release of death

Sometime over the last 48-72 hours, my nose was replaced by a leaky faucet.  While I would normally suspect some type of underground troll to have committed these heinous acts, the torrent began during the day, while I was at work.  I was unconscious of any change until the pressure in my sinuses began to build, raging against the frailty of my poor mortal body.  The pain began to extend outwards, into my eyes, until finally it could stand no more, and burst forth mindlessly.

I have a cold, and it's a rotten thing.  I need some sort of disposal unit hooked directly into my nose, so I have to stop blowing it.  There's nothing wrong with blowing your nose until the fourth time or so.  Then the tissue begins to scrape like sandpaper against the virgin skin between your lips and nostril.  Even tissue weaved by golden seamstresses on platinum looms out of the pulp of aged redwood trees would hurt after a day of constant blowing.  And may the Lord help you should you use a piece of paper towel- you may as well blow your nose with razor blades. 
What's worse, people at my office must think I have a bladder the size of a raisin, as much as I've been going to retrieve more tissue.  Even in the bathroom, they eye me suspiciously, as if I were collecting the stuff to take back to my desk for some nefarious purpose, like I'm making a paper-mache glider to escape.  And there's no good place to blow your nose.  Outside of the bathroom, people glance inside your office to ensure that it was a nose being blown, and indeed, not an elephant being hunted for it's precious ivory tusks.  Inside the bathroom, there's that horrific cycle of nose-blowing and hand-washing.  For once you complete one, the insistence of the other comes to the forefront.
I've tried to defeat these germatic foes.  At the onset, I said to myself "Aha, a cold! I will take a massive dose of vitamin C to ward it off".  But it was too late, my immune system was already crumbling like a ruin before the viral invaders.  I have sucked dozens of lozenges, pectin (which is curiously also used to seal homemade jellies) and menthol (Halls Metholyptus, which are hewn from solid blocks carted from Hell.  Indeed, the damned wail away infinity in torture, but they do have clear sinuses).  Last night I even went to the extent of putting some Vicks Vaporub on, but I only succeeded in knocking out my fiance.  My only hope left is to get in the car, turn on the heat and boil off the virii.
At this point, it's either them or me.


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